silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POI "When you find that one person who connects you to the world, you become someone different, someone better. When that person is taken from you, what do you become then?" This quote has come back to haunt me. I loved it when I first heard it, watching a show in a lonely hotel room in Texas for a conference when I was in school maybe 8-9 years ago. I jotted it down, and made note of it at the time here. I still have the scratch paper of hotel stationary that I scribbled it on. Anyways, it comes back to mind, as everything does. I have a lot on my mind, all of the time. Such a quiet life I lead. I don't have much to update. The practice is fine. The men are fine. The house is fine. I am losing weight. I should run more. I've made friends somewhat with these ladies in my new favorite boutique store. I think they like that I spend a good $200 every time I come in. I cried myself to sleep last weekend, cried over a boy. That was weak of me. I hope to be better than that. Alcohol was admittedly a factor. I got drunk earlier today and have recently woken back up from passing out from drinking. Drank as I did my simple household chores, listening to Janis Joplin blaring through the surround sound speakers. I forget to eat in a timely manner on the weekends. If I do not have a scheduled lunch hour, I forget to eat. I am going to watch the Power Rangers movie tomorrow with my nephew. I have never seen an episode of the Power Rangers. I have been told that the Pink Ranger is female. Yellow, too? Maybe? I tire of being alone. What is new? I might take some sleeping meds soon and give up for the night. I have yet to confess my love to CA. I have yet to drop AN. I enjoy AN, but he isn't for me. I feel like I sleep with him simply to do so. Clearly a past time. Which works out, in the end. He was fun in the beginning, useful. But now, I find that he is too routine? He comes over, immediately gropes at me, wants to fuck immediately...which is fine, but so...methodical? Predictable? I don't need to be wooed and swept off of my damn feet, but there's nothing to anticipate with him, nothing to look forward to. Then he eats my food, drinks my wine, watches Netflix (i'm under the impression that he doesn't have it at home), and then I pass out pretty much and he peaces out after a while. All fine. But there's something missing, something isn't there. Oh yes. He isn't CA. Well, then. So I sit here reflecting on life and my decisions. I often wonder why I made the decisions that I did. If I only made a different choice along the way, could I have been married by now? With children? A different career? Perhaps comfortable being a stay at home mom? I just don't understand why this became my path. It is honestly quite depressing. I suppose some would consider me to be successful. Yeah... I guess I hear that a lot. Whatever. But I fake it. I give smiles, and I am sarcastic and quick-witted. I take children to watch the Power Rangers in the middle of the day like a good aunt should. I am veritably the weird aunt, and that's okay. I have a decent stash of disposable income, and I waste it on...shit, who knows. I work, joke around with my patients, allow my team to make fun of me. Pose for pictures with the patients for their social media and listen as they tell me that my office is the most fun dental office that they have ever been to. I go to events that my patients host, attend their parties and visit their shops and restaurants. I consider their invitations to dinner and movies and yoga sessions. Because I am a nice fuckin person with nothing else to do. Lularoe? Why not. Going to my patient's house tomorrow morning for a legging event, because she invited me and her kids love me. They run around the office like they own the place. Their three year old has been in the office since she was about eight weeks old, sitting in her carrier in the waiting room. I watch these families grow and the kids turn into teenagers, as I remain stagnant with my pathetic excuse of a love life. Sorry. That went on a tangent. Well, since I passed out, my cocktail has become diluted with the ice. Nevertheless, I will drink its remains. But I feel as if this is it for the evening. I don't want to talk to anybody. I have cleaned and mopped and rearranged furniture and smelled the beautiful scent of my citrus trees outside, and I think it is time to just call it quits. I have sent the quirky text to CA, of which I received no response, which is what I expect. It would suit me well to meet somebody new. I have patients who want to date me. I will never understand why I am so good at attracting the wrong people. They are nice men, but I cannot date my patients. Meet me at a damn bar first, please. A seventy year old patient just got a new defibrillator/pacemaker, and told me that he is getting back into the gym, so I "better watch out". I laugh and smile and say ohhhhkaaaay!! I just wish for something else. In the meantime, I will sedate myself, drink some watered down rum and coke, and scidaddle my ass to bed and watch some more Lost as I pass back out. Sweet. Sounds like an excellent plan. Yeah, I'll check in again soon. 9:06 p.m. - 2017-03-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||