silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Of late

Alrighty, well...let us dust off the old d-land entry page. It appears that I have been slacking a bit here. I guess I just don't think anything is interesting in my world these days, and I get tired of reflecting upon the same thoughts as always. But meh. That's life.

Business is good. My lead assistant is pregnant, not sure if I ever mentioned that. She's about halfway through the pregnancy. Should be interesting to see how things change with this. I may have to find a new lead one of these days. I hate hiring. I hate the hunt. But I'll figure it out.

One of my cousins is about to move in with me, temporarily. She asked me just last week via text if she could come stay with me, as she is going through a rough time and is uncomfortable where she is staying. She's a good girl, I'm happy to give her some reprieve. She has a small dog, too, which is cool because I keep thinking about getting a dog, but I know that I wouldn't do so. So it works out to just have one tag along with her while she stays with me. She says just until early Spring, but it doesn't really matter to me how long she stays, to get herself where she needs to be. The major thing is, I am not the type to have roommates, so that will be a huge change. I am used to a silent house, often with several days passing before I even turn on the television. Most of the time that the tv is on is when CA is over to visit. Anyways.

Yes, CA. Still around. I've given my love and relationship discussion to him again, and it's really just...whatever. Our relationship stands as...well...we have a "relationship", he's just not my boyfriend.. What's that? That's what it was before? Oh...right. Essentially, he is an idiot with admitted commitment issues, who refuses to accept what he has. I attempted to swing it one way or the other, and neither alternative is acceptable to him. Can it be all? No. Well then, fuck off, I'm just going to back off... wait, I can't do that either? So, instead we are going to spend all of our time together, have certain expected days together, cook dinners together, watch our shows together, show up to outings with our friends together (and of course leave together)... you catch my drift. In my attempt to search for meaning in our relationship, only to be struck down and denied, it brought us closer together. So...it... backfired on me? On him?? I have no idea. I'll tell you though, whenever I get some free time and I think I have a day off from him, he sure gets whiny if I'm not there, then tries to pawn it off like it's no big deal. Or lately, with football on, he taught me how to bet on the games (since, ya know, gambling is legal out here and all), so now we bond over football betting. If I leave his house Sunday morning, I am subjected to a barrage of texts about every game and scores and what it's doing to his bets that it's like well fuck, might as well go back because he won't stop talking to me. So what do I do? I go back. It's just easier sometimes. And I love spending time with him anyways.

It's one of those "tables have turned" situations, in which at times I think man, I need a break from him. And I do. He tells me how he doesn't want someone to be all clingy on him, yet I know once Thursday rolls around, I may not sleep alone again for three or four nights. And no, it's not about sex. Sex is secondary..tertiary..hell, it's waaay down the line as an afterthought. It's few and far between. Which is fine, but again...the tables have turned, because that used to be the only reason we would hang out. Nowadays I may well have to beg for it in order for it to happen. Not a true complaint, just a change in expectations. We can go weeks, maybe a month. And this is with seeing one another maybe three times a week. Anyways. This is the most exhausting relationship I've never been in. Still love him to pieces. He still starts fights with me, but they end fairly quickly.

I went to Jamaica a couple of weeks ago. We did a dental mission trip out there, and it was insanely hectic and busy, and I worked a lot more than I expected to. It was pretty and fun out there, but it wasn't the experience that I would have liked to have. I didn't get to experience Jamaica itself at all. I got to experience the Sandals resort we stayed on, because the clinic I worked at (headed it, ultimately) was located there. Others had the chance to go out into rural areas and communities, but not I. It was all good though. Perhaps another time. We were there for eight days, and I was out there when that big shooting took place here in Las Vegas. Fortunately, I did not know anybody who was taken away or hurt in that incident, but it still shakes you. I was oblivious to it at first because of my location and sketchy wifi, and CA had texted me in the middle of the night to tell me what was going on and to give me updates. I did appreciate that he did so. It was a fucked up situation and we are likely never going to get the answers. A sick, selfish asshole. Who knows.

I went to a NIN concert last weekend. Probably my sixth time seeing them now. It was supposed to be just myself and CA's roommate going together, but the roommate got a ticket for CA last minute (which he didn't ask for), and so he was pushed to go. It ended up being just the two of us together, with the roommate off elsewhere in the venue with his other friends. I laughed at it all, because it never fails. In the end, it's always just the two of us. I try to do things with other people, but somehow he always ends up there and taking over and needing attention. Ugh and we bumped into CW when we were there, which kind of irritated me since he and I are no longer friends. I had no interest in speaking to him, yet CA unknowingly parked our bodies right smack in front of him, so I had no choice but to pretend that I was cool with him. I didn't tell CA why I didn't want to be by him because I didn't want to explain. And funnily enough, he didn't recognize him, because me bringing CW around to some party (as an innocent friend who also knew the people at the party) was the source of one huuuge fight that CA and i had, which had resulted in us not talking for maybe 3-6 months.

Anyways. I'm sleepy-ish now. I will attempt to sleep. That is my update for now. Sorry it is all about fun times with CA, but I honestly feel as if all my time away from work and family is with him. I did get a prescription for some sleep meds, they seem fine. No miracle med though, unfortunately, but I have been sleeping better lately even without medicine.

Alright, good night for now. I'll update sooner next time.

11:33 p.m. - 2017-10-23

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