silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess I’m just tired. Hi again. I know, I suck at this. I apologize. Cmon, I’m eternally stressed. Let me have this one. Anyways, I tried to get her out. She does nothing. She doesn’t do right with the kids, it’s become a hot mess that I shouldn’t go into so I won’t (yet). Voices raised. Threats made. I called the cops. She told me that my house is in fact hers, and she will not leave. The crazy switch flipped in her fuckin head. It’s fine. Cops came, she acted a damn fool, they couldn’t force her out, I filed for eviction the next day (this was a Sunday so had to wait). I had left after the situation so I could hang with my friends. Returned that night home around midnight. It didn’t feel right. I was texting with C, he encouraged me to pack a bag and stay at his place for the night. With my bedroom door locked and a chair propped against it, I rushed and threw shit in a bag so I had work clothes for the week, undies, and other random shit that my non-sober ass could fathom packing and I was in and out the house in less than ten minutes. I drove to his place with a flurry of emotions in mind. I get there, unlock the door, drop my bag. He’s standing there looking at me and I immediately start crying. Anger, frustration, any and everything. I’m so mad. I’m not hurt, I’m just so mad that it got to that point. I had had a shit day. I cried myself to sleep on his couch, but I honestly didn’t sleep more than an hour or two, and then had to wipe my face and go to work. I wanted to be alone. I stayed in a couple cheap hotel rooms for that week. I just wanted silence. I got up, smiled and went to work, drove back to the hotel. Had some nice expensive hotel meals. Stayed in bed a lot. Drank a lot. I have a relative who lives super close to me and conveniently closer to my office, so after my stint of solitude, I moved in with him. He already knew what was going on, and mentioned a good year ago that sis was delusional and fucked up and needed help. I just didn’t want to see it. He’s letting me stay here as long as possible while I await the eviction process. It’s almost over, I think. I’ve learned a lot about this shit. Ideally i will get the call about the lockout this week or next. She doesn’t have a backup plan. She has been argumentative towards the cops, yelling at them through the bedroom door that she is not leaving, refusing to let them talk to her kids on a recent welfare check. She’s fuckin delusional. She needs mental assistance. I cannot do anything more, I am keeping my distance. I go back every weekend with my dad to do a load of laundry and make sure the place isn’t destroyed. She’s only minimally destructive. Super negligent. Anyways.. I guess I never saw myself in this situation. Does anybody? I am displaced from my home. I have cameras up, I check in, it’s fine. But I’m just so, so sad. But I’m trucking along. I still have to work. I have bills to pay. I laugh it off, I drink it off, I hang with the crew and my family, I chill and go see movies, I guess I am okay. Fuck though, I’m not okay. I have told many people that I know I need therapy after this. This has been years of my life fucked over by her and her kids. The kids are innocent, but still. It’s not the life I was making for myself. Two plus years of her lies, and then she spiraled into this nightmare of a person, hiding in my rooms and dragging her poor kids through whatever lies she is telling them is the word of god. The kids will also need therapy. She needs severe mental assistance. She’s about to lose her kids, and she’s going to blame me, and they are going to blame me, and I am going to stand there stoic with a blank gaze. It should all be over soon. I am tired of this being a factor in my life. I want to close this chapter. I’ve gained so much weight. Not that I was killing it before, but I refused to bring any guy home with me. I’ve had no action, at least in my house. There’s an odor coming from the rooms. I need to do a deep cleanse of the house. I need to sage the house, or whatever it is people do to cleanse the place of evil spirits. When this nightmare is all over, I believe I will just sit there and cry. Did you see Hamilton? You know after everything, when Eliza has that moment near the end when she lets out a sharp, deep, heavy, exhausted, pent-up, mono-syllabic, heavily-emotional cry? That’s what is building up inside of me. Anyways. Happy March. Just around the corner. Also, I apologize on my lack of comments on your entry updates. Some passcodes I have lost track of, so I couldn’t read them, and I was like well fuck. I’m so wrapped up in this shit, I want to catch up on everything, but the last couple years have really, really sucked. Remember that medical shit I had going on? Oh, I don’t. I had to deal with family crap for so long, my own issues were on the back burner. All the while still trying to keep my office afloat. Anyways. I had something in me decide to check in. I keep saying I’ll get better at it, but, well… I haven’t lived in my home for a month now. Sure am still paying all of the bills though. One step at a time. 11:11 p.m. - 2023-02-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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