silver4's Diaryland Diary


There’s no crying in baseball

Alright so, I have to say this here because I have to let it out somewhere, and I feel like I’m giving in and defeated if I say this stuff aloud to my family and peeps out here. So this is just me getting it out get it.

I’m tired and I’m sad. I’m just fuckin sad. I feel like, this is what I get? I know I’ve had some fuck ups in life, but this is what I get? I try to be good and kind and help people. I’m a decent dentist, I have patients who love coming to see me and hang out and chat. I have patients who became my friends and all want to go out and have dinner and drinks and coffee or whatnot with me. I have people in the world who hate me, that’s fine. Most people enjoy having me around. I’m not sure where I’m getting with this part, so I’ll bring it back...

I’m annoyed and frustrated. I think, well this is why I never had kids. This is why I never had any guy ever truly give a shit about me, much less ever acknowledge affection towards me. I never saw myself getting married, ever since I was little (no, I’m not feeling defeated. I’m just...blah. I’m having a moment. But I’m not assuming this is the end). I’m fine being alone. I have my family, I have my friends. But at the end of the day, I go home alone and wake up alone. I can have people and still be lonely. I want someone to love me (again, yes, friends and family do. You know what I mean). I just want to feel special to somebody, I yearn for it. I yearn to be able to express what I feel to somebody who feels the same way. I don’t have that and I don’t think I ever will.

I believe I have a long road to recovery ahead of me. I saw the images from the first MRI, and it took all i had within me to not cry at the neurologist’s office. I cried once I got in the car. I’m really good at holding my composure and pretending that I’m okay. Then I went to my mom’s house and I lost it and I cried to her. I didn’t like that I cried in front of her. I’m the tough daughter. I’m the one who deals with shit and lets it ride. But today, I was just a little girl crying to her mom that it’s not fair.

Anyways, the neurologist basically said he doesn’t think I should trust anybody locally to do the surgery, that I need to go to somewhere like cedars Sinai or UCLA clinic where there are surgeons who deal with this type of tumor more often. It’s within the spinal cord itself, and in the image in my eyes, it’s fuckin huge. It’s 5+ cm long, but it’s pushing along the walls of the spinal cord.

In hindsight, I knew something was wrong. I would tell CA (yeah, he’s still around. But there’s nothing with that at all anymore. In essence, he’s a selfish, emotionless jerk who only thinks about himself, but alas, quite the fuckin duo of pals we are. I’ll get into that eventually. But we are nothing at all), “hey, I think there’s something really wrong with me, I just don’t know what.” And I would go to the doctors and they didn’t say anything significant. But I knew it, I KNEW it. I’m not proud of this knowledge, but I knew something bad was lingering, I just didn’t know how to catch it. Lo and behold, I just needed the car accident to bring it out. Thanks, random guy in a Dodge Ram for hitting me.

So I’m sad, because I have so much work to do to get myself prepared for the road ahead. I don’t think the girls in my office quite understand the severity of it. They talk about this and that and next summer and next Christmas, and I think... After I pull through surgery, I may have to take some months off to recover. I’m not going to be at the office. I don’t know what this is going to do to me. I don’t know how functional I will or will not be. So I am trying to prepare and organize. When I am done organizing, then I can move forward. I’ll deal with all this background crap without telling the girls at work. They can continue on with their ignorance for as long as possible.

I’m just so tired. Not sleepy, just over it. And so sad. The sadness will pass. I’m only sad to myself, i am more pleasant and happy when expressing things to others. My patients get full smile joyful me. Fb gets goofy happy smiling me. My friends still see happy friendly fun drinking me.

I’ll tell more of my friends soon. And family. As for now, I’m just figuring out how to see the silver lining in all of this.

I’ll do a happy post eventually. I feel like i’m legit back now. I haven’t been able to share my thoughts with people in my life too much. I just need to let it out. I was just having so much drama with CA and stress with everything, it was all so pointless and I hated feeling that way and feeling so hurt. I didn’t want to recall it.

I should probably take my meds soon. I fasted for the second MRI today, for no reason; they needed to get it pre-authed with my insurance and they failed to do so. I told them it was going under my health insurance, they told me it was supposed to be under the lawsuit. I said it wasn’t because of the accident. They said it has to be rescheduled if it’s going under insurance. Super glad I didn’t eat... eye roll. Pounded food afterwards. Eh, drinking now. I might crash early. My face is tear-stained. I didn’t even bother washing it, I am just gonna cry again in a few minutes.

People are telling me that it’s okay for me to be emotional over this. I’m starting to accept that.

I’m gonna finish this episode of Watchmen on HBO. It’s a pretty good show.

I also think, I’m glad I do the bare minimum for my student loan repayment. Something tells me my money is gonna be more useful elsewhere.

And I think I’m gonna buy a real tree for Christmas tomorrow. Yes, I’m the slacker without a tree up. I’ll go to Costco first thing in the morning. I haven’t done much in terms of decorating. Now is the time.

8:12 p.m. - 2019-12-13


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