silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- present. past. future? hello. another day. i went out for some community outreach event for the school today. it was supposed to be some 2 hour thing, which technically it was, but i drove up with MJ, and he wanted to go to lunch and have mojitos, so we went for that. but he also wanted to go see 2012, so we met up with some friends at 3:30 and did that. and then we left the theater and i was done, i wanted him to just drive me back home, but we got back to his place and he decided to make us some cocktails. so now it's 9, i got back home around 8:30 after a few drinks and more food, and he was still trying to get me to stay and play and drink and gather other people, but i'm just not feeling it. i think he also wants me to hang around so that it's not just him and this girl he's hooking up with, but i can't be fuckin 3rd wheel all the time. it's a task i have managed to do quite successfully, but enough is enough. so i walked home with a couple others. i just don't want to do anything tonight. i actually wanted to hook up with H but he was busy i guess. or when i was leaving for the movie with MJ i saw H walk into the apartments with his wife, which makes sense as to why he didn't answer the phone when i called. no worries, that stuff doesn't bother me. i know what the situation is and i just don't care. so after school yesterday i came home and passed out, napped for a little bit. and then M texted me and wanted to go have a couple drinks, and since we never get to do so really, i agreed. so i got up and walked up the street to the bar. and i love spending time with him. we chatted a lot and we are very close and we have amazing chemistry because we are very much just the opposite sex of one another. after a few hours, i see R, MJ and another guy AY walking in the door, and i say hi to them, and so they join us at the bar and grab drinks too. so that ruined M's and my flirtation with one another, and we were really getting into our conversation about how we are with one another, as he was telling me about the way i look at him when we're hooking up and how much we crave one another... and then the boys showed up and ruined it. so we all kicked it for a while, and then they all dwindled away again, leaving me and M. and so eventually i walked with M back to school so he could get his stuff, and i adore him. i really hate that we can't be who we are to one another. he even said that he and i have more chemistry with one another than he and his girl do, and asked me if that was bad. ha. it's not bad. it's just bs. or it's just life. so we just kissed a little and he left, and i wish i could go home with him and stay over with him and relax with him, but that's not my place in life. so i will continue just being the other; it's a role i play all too well. other than that... nothing. everything is nothing. R and our friends are going out tonight, and i'm just hiding in my room right now. i took a couple sleeping pills. i hope to crash and dream and not wake up until maybe 9 or 10. or maybe earlier if H calls to hook up? ha. i'm bad. and i'm indifferent. 'there once was a time when this was enough' "this" used to mean so many things. but right now, i don't know what it is. but what it is though, i guarantee you, it is not enough. and it never will be. i can continue on this path of indifference and interference with supposed happiness... i can go on with it all. but in the end, it will never be enough... i told MJ about T. i was buzzed at the time, and the drunker i get, the more prone i am to saying things i shouldn't say. but fortunately i wasn't dumb enough, nor will i ever be hopefully, to say anything about M or H. i can mention the far past. because that is gone... gone? is it ever really gone though? i fell like it always just.. lingers there.. waiting for me to crack and need assistance, and possibly cry and break down and wish for moments long ago... i want the pills to kick in now please, before my mind goes too deep. 9:02 p.m. - 2009-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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