silver4's Diaryland Diary

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prior thoughts

break
i guess i just stopped caring. or i need to stop caring. i keep being told that i have to, so... fine. i'm hoping something good comes out of this week, because i need it. i need it to get over things, to stop going crazy. i need the escape. but we'll see what it turns out to be. pretty sure i'll just be going back to the same old thing. my problem is that i keep going back to the same thoughts. i keep hoping that one day, one day, maybe i'll get a glimpse of a chance..
hahaha...and that's why i'm pathetic.

patience?
i'm just waiting for the day that the name just disappears and i can go on and overlook it. it's like the spirits are mocking me and they have done so for, oh, the last... 8 years maybe? wow. it's a joke, it's all a joke, and i'm really looking forward to the punchline.

serendipity
i still have hope. it's pretty minimal. probably fading as i think about it. so perhaps i shouldn't think about it... whatever. so i'm starting to think i might be okay with my requirements, if i pull this crap together. i have to really work it this quarter... blows. but it will be worth it, because i don't want to be screwed for this year. anyways. yeah. hope. it's still there. little glimpses here and there, and i feel like it teases me, quite occasionally, but... i'm hanging on. it's entertaining, at least.

smile and nod
apparently i just love someone or care too much for someone with whom it will never amount to anything. i need to stop this because he's so ... not worth it? or, he is worth it, but the effort is pointless because it is nothing, it amounts to nothing, it will create nothing, and i will just care and continue to care ridiculously, for nothing. how do i stop this? how do i stop this when he is always there, and he's affectionate when i don't expect it, and he's open to me when he shouldn't be? i know it's all a lie because i can't get any of this when we're both sober. i can't get it anymore. because i messed it up, or he messed it up, or we messed it up, and now it's a struggle. but we had a moment. and those moments are everything. those moments make me want to be an idiot and chase him, and tell him how i feel. but it's pointless, because he already knows. everyone knows, they have to. i really hate pretending that i'm over it. he's too precious to me to disregard. i see the way he acts, but lately it's only when influenced. so is it just an act? either way, i'm pretty sure i can never do anything about it. i'm just going to keep acting like i am indifferent. just friends. always just friends. that's what he wants me to pretend to be.

there once was a time...
i am looking at my old poems, from 7-10 years ago, and i can't help but feel some of those emotions again. i feel bad for that person that I was, that I still am. i know i am still the same, just older. more aware. more content and in a better situation. i read them and i remember how it felt to go through all those emotions, all those experiences, everything that made me struggle and scramble to put together the pieces. and then i remember how there was one person who made a difference, one person who looked at me and took my hand and changed it all... i see the change in tone, the change in heart. i remember how it felt to feel completely accepted by someone, to be able to open up and let it all out, and to not shelter my thoughts like i do now, like i have to now. everything about me was laid out, and he picked it up and told me that it was going to be alright. he saw my cluttered mind and he took me aside and brought me to peace. and i was happy. and he was kind enough to warn me that he was afraid that he would hurt me one day, that everything that was happening was going to mess me up. but i was proud and strong, and i said that it didn't matter. and here i am today, 8 years later, staring at the drawing of the aenima third eye. i never let it go away. those memories, they really love to smack you hard sometimes. i'm good though. it's funny at times... i'm too tired for this right now

drunk d
So I got a drunken call at 5:40 this morning, waking me up, which doesn't really matter since I would have gotten up 30 minutes later anyways. And I pretty much knew when I saw who it was that it was another one of those nights-- or mornings-- where I would be on the phone waiting, listening to him drunkenly talk to me while he drove home. I actually prefer that he calls me, so at least i know he's getting home and staying awake as he drives, but it starts to get stupid after a while, because you're getting so messed up, and then you start thinking about me, and then you think you have a legitimate reason to call me, when I get so little sleep as it is in the first place... Anyways. He told me how much he loved me and probably still loves me, and that he didn't deserve someone like me, and that he understands why i left him, and that i'm such a big part of his life and the most important person to him. And he said how he thinks i deserve someone better, and that he never appreciated me, or showed me that he cared, and although he thought about me all the time, he could never tell me because he had problems sharing his emotions. He thinks it's just him and that other people aren't like that, but i told him that he's wrong. And I told him that he's right, he didn't appreciate me, and that I loved him before but the fact that he neglected me and never made me feel special or wanted made me lose the feeling. Yep. And I told him that I don't want to not have him in my life, and i'm mentally not in a place where i want anybody to do anything for me, i'm just focusing on myself because it's better that way; it's the best way for me to get through this experience and get it done. Too much school, too much to focus on. Yeah. Anyways. The only time he can ever tell me how he feels or felt about me is when he's drunk out of his mind. I wonder why our relationship wasn't working. But it reminds me of me and the way i function sometimes as well...

i'm a reasonable (wo)man, get off my case...
i hate being sober. i wish i were drunk right now. this just doesn't work for me. i've decided that, once again, i will try to make it happen. i will put myself out there once again. it seems like only on the weekends do i have my chance. it's so ridiculous. i hate pretending. i hate hanging out and acting like i love just being friends. this is stupid. but i'm pretty sure that eventually i will tire of throwing myself at him. i mean, i understand why he shouldn't accept me, but all the reasons are lame... except for the fact that we are (were?) really close and that can mess it all up. i just want to hold and kiss him and show him that it's okay to let go, drop the guard, and be with me. i know i'm crazy, but shit... we all acknowledged that; i'm crazy, i get it. it just works with us. it just works.
he's making this very difficult.

7:09 a.m. - 2009-04-12

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