silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- blah i'm so affected by everything with him. i was so stupid last night. i don't even know what happened, but we were out and everything was fun, then we were on the cab ride to get food and i turned into a crazy girl again. i texted him 'you hurt everything that is happy for me'. ... what the fuck does that mean? what does that mean? i don't even know. i don't even know why i said that or what was running through my mind. i was so drunk and an idiot. i think it was because i was trying to leave the restaurant and he wouldn't let me walk home. so i stayed. and then i texted him that. and his response: 'i did not and you know it. i care for you and you know it.' blah. i am so tired of apologizing for my actions. i will tell him tomorrow why i said that. it was definitely because i was trying to leave, he hadn't done anything. but when we were dancing at the club doing our usual getting down blah blah whatever, and we were on the floor and looking at eachother and as much fun as it is, it's soooo frustrating because he's so adorable, and so i was irritated because i can't just grab him and kiss him. fucker. i got scared because i started my period and i think it's early. most people worry when it gets late. me, i don't really get any action so i don't have to worry about pregnancy. i just worry about my other issues i've had with my cervix... i should get checked soon. i fear sometimes that i won't be able to have kids because my cervix might be bad, so any time there's a menstrual issue i freak out a little. so far everything's fine though. actually, i don't know, because i haven't been checked in a whileit's just a little bit early, a few days or so. i just wasn't expecting it, i didn't realize it was this close. whatever. hm. anyways. i think too much. i worry too much. i want too much. i'm on the waiting list tomorrow, don't know if i'll get to see my patient tomorrow. i sort of don't care though. actually, no. i want her to come so i could get her crown over with and it'll be ready to deliver at the beginning of next quarter. i just want everything to be over with already. fuuuuuuck. i want some alcohol. i really want margaritas. tomorrow is more beer though, we already have plans. D called me today. i was actually thinking about calling him earlier too because we haven't spoken in a while. he's doing well, he's working now and making pretty good money, so i'm happy for him. i like that we can still talk, sort of. he sounds so excited to talk to me sometimes. i don't know what's going to happen when i move back to vegas. or even when i go back in a couple weeks. i don't love him anymore. i don't mind hanging out with him, but i don't want to mislead him. he tries to reconnect with me every now and then. i don't know. we can be friends. i still care for him as a person. and i definitely want him to do well, because he deserves it. he's a great person. maybe too good for me. i was a bad girlfriend to him. he has no idea that i was pretty close to cheating on him, several times, with different people. so close. i guess technically i did cheat on him, according to.. well.. reality. i never had sex with anyone when i was with him. i kissed people. i more than kissed people. i spent tons of time with other guys, who did shit with me and hung out with me and wanted to be with me. so i wasn't good. he did a lot for taking care of bills when i was finishing undergrad and working at the offices. but money doesn't take care of everything. so whatever. he's doing fine now. don't know if he's dating anyone. he's probably scarred from the last girl he was with and got pregnant, a few months ago. but she had an abortion. blah. okay. i should probably go to bed. i have class at 8 but i'm not tired. i think sleeping might not be good tonight. that's what i get for crashing all day hungover. whatever. i'm probably going to be an alcoholic. my liver is shot. one more year of school, i'll be done partying and i'll get serious. i have to. 12:56 p.m. - 2009-05-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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