silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and again i am eating some sweet strawberries that i got at a farmers market outside a bart station. soooo good. my classmate and i decided to stop and check out their fruit since we go through there for one of our rotations and it was an excellent idea. i got strawberries and peaches. mmmmmm. okay. so it seems like my cycle will never end. back to R again. not much though. we all went out last night, the usual, went to a club that the group really likes. i got drunk but i was well behaved. there was a moment in which i was texting with M earlier on when we first got there, letting him know that he'll probably get an angry email from me, like i usually do when i go crazy and need to rant about hating everything in the world, but i actually did fairly well. i saw one of R's friends there, this girl who is so sweet and has known him for a while and i get jealous of her relationship with him so i have to turn away when i see them together, but fortunately for me, her boyfriend whom she had had some issues with a while back was there, so her attention was focused on him. good. so i just drank and drank and danced my little heart away, i had a great time and danced a little with everyone, i tried not to look for R because i know how i am with him and i really just wanted to enjoy everybody else who was there. anyways, the end, i was gone (faded), R was gone, and he was like let's go home, so i close my tab blah blah and we get a cab and bounce, which i don't remember the ride at all but i paid for it, and i don't remember the elevator ride up to our floor, but we got out and i had a feeling i wasn't going to go to my place, and he said something like 'so what?' and i said i don't know. and he asked if i was coming over, and i asked if he wanted me to come over, and he said yes, so on we continued walking down the hallway. i haven't stayed over there in several months now, maybe like 4 months. so we go, i go pee first and come out and he's laying in bed, and i go to him, and he's like 'so what? what now?' and i don't know exactly what is what anymore to be honest. i don't know what he thinks about me anymore, i don't know what he feels, i don't know what he wants, i don't know if someone else is in his world now, i have no idea, i just generally leave it alone and accept his rejection of me. but then he swoops in and wants me to come over... i don't know. and he's looking at me with eyes of intention but he doesn't make any moves. so i ask him, will you be mad at me if i kiss you? and he said 'nooo i don't think so'. and i ask if he will stop me if i try to kiss him. and he said no. so i kiss him, just a little, because i'm still drunk and out of it. and then we talk a bit, i don't know about what really, it's little stuff like me saying what i always say and him with his two-word non-committal responses. i did tell him that he messes me up and the usual. and he kept asking me what now? and i told him it was his call, that it's always his call. and he asks me why and blah blah, and i say that he knows what i think and he knows how i feel, and he pretty much always has control of it all. and he keeps asking 'but why, but why?' and i'm like dude. look. what the fuck. what the fuck am i supposed to say? i ask him what he wants me to say, and that he knows how it is, and that he knows that i love him, so what? i emphasize the fact that it is his call, once again, so that's that. but it was fine, we were lovey and shit a little, hand holding, whatever throughout the night. and then i got up, went to the bathroom, threw up a little, rinsed out my mouth and came back to bed. i told him i wasn't going to kiss him anymore since i threw up. ha. so it was good, i'm glad i slept over there. i miss being with him. but i'm not going to get any hopes up. i'm used to the cycle now and i know how it is. i'm glad i have M to distract me and keep me somewhat sane. so i got up this morning, said good morning to him, grabbed my stuff and left. blah. okay, gonna go be productive. bbl 10:02 a.m. - 2009-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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