silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lying awake 5:00. i'm awake. i should still be sleeping for the next 2 hours. hopefully i'll get a little drowsy soon and fall back down. i believe it's the sound of the wind against my window, causing it to rattle. okay, yes, it is. because it's hitting pretty hard right now. i woke up and immediately started freaking out about the morning, wondering if something is going to go wrong with one of my patients today because i booked multiple patients in the morning, anticipating being done with one relatively early... i hope it works out. i always do this. i always overthink about things that are now beyond my control. and then i also wondered about whether or not my afternoon patient would show up. it took me a moment to realize that it is friday, not wednesday or so, and that soon i will be able to relax. for a brief period of time. so. M yesterday. he comes over, we chill. our kisses are passionate, when we unite bodies, the yearning and the craving takes over. it's not like simple, hello i'm here let's do this. we go for seemingly so long without touching eachother, with just being around each other, day after day, knowing what we want but knowing that we can't do anything about it until timing is right and we have a moment of privacy. and so when we get that moment, it's filled with affection, kisses, relief, kisses, caresses, kisses. my hands can't get enough, my lips can't get enough, my body can't get enough. we hold on to being with one another until we have to part. i can still see the look on his face and feel him when he is inside me. i can still hear him whisper, 'right there' repeatedly, when i've adjusted myself to a position that he loves and he goes deeper. nothing is rushed with us, everything is slow and soft and... just passionate. that's the best word to describe it. we can't rush just get it over with because we don't know when the next time will be. we had to wait almost a month this time around. overall, i'm happy. i'm content with it. i'm not misleading myself with any unnecessary emotions at this point, although occasionally he says things about the difficulty of the situation and how i make him feel which is confusing at times. i never say how i feel. partly because i don't feel anything. well, yes, i do like him and care about him, he is my best friend. i just don't feel compelled to daydream about him and think about him in loving ways all day. if we had the opportunity to work out, it would be a different story. i would then allow myself to care for him. as for now, i'm purposefully blocking it out to protect myself. although when he says things, i feel obligated to reciprocate those emotions with such encouragement as 'i feel the same too', when really, i don't feel anything. i think in a situation like this, it's better that he has more interest in me than me in him, because in the end, when attachment becomes the issue, what if i couldn't let him go? what if i sat around crying and wanting him to leave his girl for me because i can't take it anymore? no. it's better for him to want me and deal with it or suppress it or whatever. but he knows how i am, so he knows that i don't care. because i know what it is and i know how it is. besides, i carry enough emotions as it is when i am around R... that's another story though. i'm not an idiot. i'm going to be sitting there watching him say 'i do' while i smirk on the inside, knowing that within a week or two, he'll be right back in my bed. i don't expect anything. we are very honest and open with eachother. he should probably be that way as well with his gf, but that's not my problem. i wish i weren't so skeptical and sarcastic about issues in life sometimes. okay i have one hour left now. i'll try to sleep it off. by the way i got new sheets and i love them! okay, good night, good morning, i don't know.. 5:06 a.m. - 2009-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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