silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tangent So I baked the pies and made some dressing, brought food to my patient, and came down to our common area and had a thanksgiving meal with all the others who did not go home for the holiday. Chatted a little with d2. H was there but we didn't really talk. He has a bit of a double personality and needs to learn how to be chill with me in front of others. It's a little annoying to be honest. Afterwards I came back up and watched that movie some as I waited to get picked up to go to my friend S's parents' house for dinner. R is also in town still so he came too. He swung by and we waited together watching maybe 3 minutes of the movie until our ride came. Then we had dinner and some drinks, watched tv, chatted, played rock band, in which I sang my little heart out... I'm always the singer. And as much as I hate my voice, I am always quick to grab the microphone. And of course, drinking around R, I got a little like I always do, but I battled that with silliness and weirdness and emailing M of my doings and whereabouts. Weirdly enough, MS started texting me, and R kept glancing at my phone when it would vibrate on the table. He was right next to me and just by habit looked at it to see if I was receiving the text that the love fates in the airways send to me several times a day from his phone, but he saw that it was MS instead. I'm glad he saw too. Maybe it can help me pretend to him that I don't care anymore and that I'm over him and am moving on. I could use any help I can get. I still want to kiss him and hold him every time I look at him. It's a crazy desire within me to never want to give up. It's quite sad. Along the lines of pathetic. But I suppose I just run with it. I can hang for six more months of intermittent emotional agony. I wish there were a drug for this. I remember moments of him holding me. I remember moments of him being the most important person out here to me. But more than all the positive moments, the closeness, the long afternoons and nights, the wandering over for no reason whatsoever but to be there and talk nonsense to him, the I love yous and the I love you mores, the talks and the emotions and more I love yous, more than all of that, I snap myself back into reality by remembering the time he single-handedly excised my heart and squeezed out every ounce of life from it, killing our friendship and killing me, and replacing my heart with a handful of air with which I was supposed to use to function until I found a way to put things back together. I can still feel the emptiness that I felt and I can still cry those tears and I can still bring myself back to that point of being completely, utterly lost, alone, scattered, unfocused. I can still feel that pain. And I think that that pain is stronger than the love I feel towards him. I will hold on to that feeling when I feel weak. I will never forget. I will never forgive. I could never forget that horrible feeling. It was suffocating. Nobody will be allowed to make me suffocate like that ever again. It would make sense if I were drunk right now writing this. This is my drunk talk. But I am sober. And it's 2 am now and my roommate is back home with her family, texting me and wasted apparently. Good for her. I told her to have a one night stand this weekend. I do not believe she will accomplish that task though. I keep telling her that the quickest way to get over one guy is to get under another. Obviously it is a lie though. Because I keep fucking these guys and just plain playing around with these guys, and yet I'm still a mess. 1:14 a.m. - 2009-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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