silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- of late okay. it's felt like it's been a while. i can't say that much has happened, and i have a pretty shitty memory, even for just the last week, but i'll see what i can do here. yesterday was supposed to be the end of the boards exam for me. i had went to sleep somewhat early the night before, woke up early to review last minute material, but i had taken sleeping meds so i was still a bit drowsy. got myself together, went down to the testing center, and sat. and sat. and waited. and i was like okay, wtf, when are they going to bring us in? we were supposed to be there at 8, and it was touching 8:20 or so. then this lady comes down and tells us that there's some technical problem that they'd been working on since 7 a.m. and that they don't know if it'll be fixed any time soon, and that we could hang out for a bit if we want. and i chilled. it's a short test, it was saturday morning, i had nothing to run off too at the time. then later they return around 9 and say it's equipment failure and they need to get things replaced, but we could still hang. then 9:30 they tell us it's a no go, and we all have to reschedule. sucks. it was sort of funny though. well, mostly crappy, but more crappy for some of the other test takers than for me, because mine is only 100 questions, and i still have time to take it. other people were taking the GRE or medical things that either expired or they needed to take it asap for applying places. the thing is too, that you plan so far in advance for these things, you set up your schedule and take time off of things, so that you can accomodate a test, and then it just goes to shit. but what can you do. so i took some number thing they gave me and went home, and i have to wait until tomorrow because apparently i have to contact my association since it's a 2 day thing.. i don't know, some bs. so that was the beginning of yesterday's adventures. then my group had a party, we did a potluck and i was in the kitchen frying chicken wings and preparing sauces for them for over an hour, because i only have a small fryer, and i was making wings for like 20-ish people. and i brought them down, arranged in a nice tray, and then the group devoured them. it was great. they really liked it, and that makes me happy, because i like to cook for people, feed people. cooking makes me happy. and sadly, i mostly wanted R to like it, i wanted his approval. i know, i'm a dork. i'm a hopeless case. and M came, his girl too. it was fun because i chatted with her, pretending that i had no idea about some things that of course i know, but i'll let her tell me like it's the first time i've heard it all. whatever. when he and i are in the same place, he tends to link to me and interact mostly only with me, so i'm sort of glad she was there, so that i could interact with the others a bit more. it was a lot of fun, we had good food, played around, drank a bit. then some people started playing poker, and i watched some of it. then his girl had to leave and she was going to come back and pick him up later, so after she left, he wanted to be around me, so that was fun too. blah blah blah, we were sending dirty texts to each other, and then we went up to my place, and i convinced him to do a quick round, then we went back to the party until he left. i stayed with the crew a bit, then went out to another party at some bars, got bored of that and came back home. the remaining people were at R's place, so i went there and we did who knows what. ate more, drank a little more. R put some show on in his room after a while, and i went with him because that's just what i do. people started leaving too, and as it got later, he put on some other show, turned off lights and closed the door so we could watch it in bed. but then we fell asleep, i missed maybe the last 10 or 15 minutes of it, and then we just went to sleep. it's weird because i don't ask if i can stay over, and he doesn't invite me to. we just sort of go through the motions, me sitting away from the bed at first as if i'm not going to try to stay over. i know how i am, he knows how i am, and whenever it's late like that, i always want to stay over. completely silly since it takes about 20 seconds for me to just walk down the hall to my place. but that makes too much sense. so i actually sit there while he's brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed, just waiting like a puppy for him to come back. and when he does, i'm happy and smiling again. it's terrible. i should be stronger than that. i'm strong with other people, but not him. i still let him affect me. so anyways, i get in bed and we watch tv and get drowsy, and he turns it off and offers blanket, i give him my glasses to put on the table, the end. but then around maybe 3:30 i woke up and i was cold, and he had all the covers, and i didn't want to sit there freezing, so i grabbed most of my stuff and went home to finish sleeping. and then he texted me in the morning like no big deal, as always. i couldn't find my glasses when i left there since it was dark, so i just left without them. i've left them there so many times as it is, it's like their second home. whenever i can't find them, i ask him if he has them. so he texted me this morning saying that they were on the desk, and asked me when i left. blah blah, innocent, nothing. that's it. other than that, i've only mostly seen H in passing. saw him yesterday during the potluck, he passed through our area when he was going to the gym. we briefly chatted. i don't know about him. when he showed his ass-side the other day, it sort of turned me off. he's nice and he has charm and he's attractive, but i'm really against egos. he needs to show me that he's worth my time, because otherwise i'm good to just let it be. he's a little crazy and he wants too much. he needs to stop and figure out shit with his girl instead of trying to convince me to do a threesome with him and who knows who. he needs to not think about getting with me and some unknown, but get something straight with his girl. but who am i to say anything, i'm not helping the situation in any way. one thing that was sweet yesterday though was something M said. it's more so the way he said it than what he said. he was straight in my face, stops me, takes my face in his hands and looks me in the eyes, and says, "listen. the only reason i came here today is because of you. i came to see you. i don't care about these other people." sigh. such a sweetheart. oh yeah. last week, he was gone for 2 days on a rotation about an hour and a half from the city, and he stayed overnight out there since it was a 2 day thing. they put him in a dorm room. anyways, it sucked because otherwise i had seen him on tuesday, and then it was going to be not until tomorrow actually that we would see eachother again, because initially he wasn't planning on coming to the party. so he's out there, and we text eachother after he was done with the first day of rotation, for hours pretty much. it makes me wonder, because we will chat for so long, i wonder when he talks to his girl... not my problem? so all wednesday after maybe 6 or 7, we were texting until after 11, a few breaks here and there because i was studying for boards still and didn't want to be disturbed. but he can't help himself and especially being alone out there, he's bored, so he comes back to talk to me. and he had a bad morning there, and wanted to tell me about it, so we talked a little about that. and at the end of our texting around 11 or so, he calls me because he says that he wanted to hear my voice and say good night. adorable. and then thursday was a bad day for me, the whole day was going to shit, after the first part of clinic ended, i really wanted to cry. it sucked because i had the same patient for the evening part too, so i couldn't really get away, but there's an hour break in between it all, and so i texted M, said i was sad, and asked if i could call him. so i grabbed my coat and gloves and went outside where it was coooold but private, and i called him and asked him about his day and told him how bad mine was and how i felt like shit and wanted to cry, drink, and smoke a cigarette. and he comforted me, he was driving home. he made me feel better and although i choked up a couple times, i didn't really cry. he makes me feel good, he's an amazing friend. he knows the right things to say to make me feel better and not lose hope in my skills or my career choice. so after i was done sniffling, i had to go back to clinic and finish up with the patient, and it all ended well and i was able to make everything beautiful again, actually, better than how the tooth presented, much better in my opinion. so afterwards i was thinking of what i am going to do without him. he's such a great friend, i don't want to think about not having him around. the sex is just a perk. i love him as a person, he's just like me and understands me, and he doesn't judge me at all ever. he knows how i am and knows my moods, knows what coffee to get me, knows what foods i hate, and gives me hugs and kisses as needed. and he's accessible when i need to cry, whereas if i tried to pull that on R, he wouldn't treat it right. besides, he's usually the initiator of my tears as it is. but that's another story. M came over also on friday at lunch time, he had the hour and wanted to see me, and just hug. we didn't really have much time as it was, he could only be there with me for 30 mins or so, then he had to head back. so he came over, we hugged the moment he got in the door. we're silly. we tell eachother that we miss one another and all that. and so we talked a bit, he made a sandwich, and i eventually let him go back to school even though he was late. and then of course he proceeded to text me when he got back there. he was in a slow rotation, so he had the time... anyways. i don't want to graduate if it means losing my connection with M. but i sort of have to graduate eventually. okay well. the end for now. that's good enough. i'm going to be lazy for the moment and watch tv. maybe drink a beer. who knows. 12:26 p.m. - 2009-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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