silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fool hi. so yesterday, i think it was yesterday, i watched the movie bad lieutenant with my dad, the new version. there was a part where there's this song 'release me' playing, with these iguanas seemingly singing. whatever it is, i instantly fell in love with the song. i feel like i am living multiple lives, or a double life, or just a simple lie. definitely a lie, i know that much. my relationships are a lie. they are a lie because that's all they could possibly be. i would love for it to be more. or different. or acceptable. M won't leave me alone. he is not acknowledging the fact that i am away right now. i think i have to just ignore his texts, say i'm busy, something. i can't pay attention to him. i want to be important. i want to be thought about every day. i want to be desired and yearned for. but i don't want it from him. i want it from R. what do i do at this point? i don't have him right now, i don't have the opportunity to really talk to him. we are with our families right now, i can't fly out to his hometown and ask him to talk to me. i can't get him out of my head, and i hate this part, because it happens like this, every time. i get stuck with thoughts of what ifs floating around in my head. the good thing is that i'm being more conscious and aware right now, i am prepared to hear him say that i am simply like a sister to him, so i can laugh at him... i'm falling asleep again. i'll write later. 12:25 a.m. - 2009-12-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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