silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ending patterns i finally have a keyboard. it's a bitch to type on my phone sometimes, it's all slow and autocorrects to the wrong thing. anyways. so my little mini escape from LV was good. i forget what i wrote over that time, so i'll just summarize or whatever. so thursday i got in to san jose, hung out with roomie, stayed with her for a couple nights. then saturday wee went to the wedding, which was really nice. this new endodontist guy who works in clinic at our school, who's my age and who i formerly considered a bit of a douche, he was there. at first i didn't say anything to him because i don't talk to him, we aren't cool or anything, and i never really worked with him. then i decided to be nice and chatted with him. apparently people think he's attractive but i don't see it. he ended up flirting with me a lot and tried to dance with me, and in the end asked for my number. i guess he's okay. but if anything, i'd only tease him for the hell of it. and so M was there, but i had to be all respectful because his girl was there, and it was actually a little annoying after a while, i thought of the situation and my situation with others and just the overall bull shit. anyways. i stayed over at MJ's that night, M drove me up to SF. i agreed to go with MJ and others to his family's ranch in a city close to fresno. the plan was to go floating down some river for a few hours, nice and relaxing. supposed to be nice and relaxing. started off as such, until my float got caught twice in some shrubbery and my non-swimming ass almost drowned. i mean, i can somewhat handle myself, but not when it's too crazy. the second time, the float got punctured and was done for, and i started screaming for MJ to save me. it was actually really bad. i wasn't really scared, i just had to get myself up from underneath all the mess and the branches. after the second time, i hated the whole damn thing. i just wanted to get away, but the whole thing took like 4 hours. never again. i guess the boys were scared for me, but i never felt that, i don't understand. i guess i convinced myself never to be afraid. but yeah. gotta love drowning scares. after that, we went back to the ranch and just went about the splendors of drinking, which, although i'm really getting tired of it, i could go for a couple drinks right now. i'd really love that. but this is why i have to exercise and fix myself. so after that... let me think. wedding, drowning, drinking... well, by monday night i was completely done with the whole scene. i was annoyed, i was tired, i was headachy and didn't want any more alcohol. but we played poker and some drinking games and it was okay, i ended up having fun of course, but i really just wanted to leave. oh, and that last night, there was this guy there, RG, who has been a chill friend from school too. he went to the wedding too, with his girlfriend, but she couldn't come on the ranch trip since she had to work. i never thought anything of this guy, he's just chill, good friend guy, and i love his girl too, she's fun. well that night, he got really drunk, not a problem. well at the end of the night, after i had went to sleep, i wake up to him talking to me and massaging my back. i slept in the dress that i was wearing that day, with an exposed back and tied at the top. so he's laying in my bed with me, and i'm not quite awake, passed out from general exhaustion combined with alcohol exhaustion, and he's talking to me in spanish and i'm like wtf why aren't you sleeping? but he keeps massaging my back and asking me if i want him to stop, but i say he can keep going because hell, it felt good. i was just tired and not feeling chatty, it was like 3 am i think at that point. he then proceeds to untie the top of my dress, which is basically what's holding it up, but i'm laying down on my front so it's fine. but i basically shouldn't move around much. he keeps rubbing my back more, and he tells me that i should massage him too, and keeps saying my name, and so i turn to him and he's staring at me. i'm thinking, okay, what the hell? this guy has crawled into bed with me and is staring at me and is trying to caress and undress me. another somebody who i thought was decent and good to his girl. so i basically turn away and tell him to go to sleep, because the way he's looking at me, i don't want to get into any more trouble or situations. it's frustrating. so we both just chilled and he stayed in bed with me, but then he left after a while and ran off, for me to find him sleeping in his car outside the next morning. he said it was too hot inside the house, which yeah, it was warm, but tolerable. i think he was drunk and ideally felt a little stupid about the advance. so i didn't say anything about that to him in the morning, just left it alone and pretended nothing happened, as i am soooo fuckin used to doing nowadays. so yeah, the next morning we all go to breakfast and then RG drives me and this other guy back up towards the city, dropping me off at the airport after a 3 hour drive. then i flew back here, and tada. boom. i had sent M an email monday morning around 5:30. i was disturbed after seeing him at the wedding, and i told him how i don't like this situation really and that i am feeling like it's not good for me any more. it's not fair to me and i don't want it to be this way any more. i don't think he really understood what i was saying though, but i think we'll get a talk in when we both get a chance to talk to one another. anyways. i'm going to get on this exercise thing more so now. i feel like i look gross. even though i still get attention, i want to feel better about myself. i have that p90x program, someone gave me a copy, so i'll check it out. have to get a pull up bar though, i know there's one kind at walgreens. anyways. i'm done with the ramble right now. it was an interesting weekend though. i'll elaborate on the M thing later. 6:46 p.m. - 2010-07-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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