silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sandy i'm sitting here watching a slew of sandra bullock movies. it's like a marathon on abc family right now. i can't change the channel, i'm physically incapable of doing such. so this exercise thing is minimal but it's going. i know it's a little (lot) lame of me, but of course i want to look lovely for when R gets here. it's only been just over a month since we've all been apart, so not much has gone on. i am tired of staring at my belly though; i hope i can get it together and lose this fat. anyways, yeah, R. i really don't think about him, save that silly dream i had last week. i am curious though. i can't help but think about the good times, the fun times, the light times. i'm hoping to be able to fight the urge to hug and hold him. i figure that if i don't overdo it on the alcohol, i'll be okay around him. but i sort of don't want to be okay around him. i don't want us to be okay around each other. i want the world still. i'm still wishing for it all. i want to recapture the feelings i had for him. but common sense and reality tell me that that is quite possibly the worst thing i could ask for, because we are away from one another, but that doesn't matter anyways because he doesn't care. i'm so nostalgic. i embrace the memories although i hate them. no matter what though, i will not allude to anything or be forward or loving towards him. unless he initiates it... in which case i still have to be strong and unreactive. no matter what, i still don't trust any of the guys in the group, they are all assholes except for maybe one of the ones coming out, the only one who i still talk to somewhat regularly. i don't talk to any of the others. i think the bitch in me wants to call them out on their assholeness. we'll see. i'm just ranting right now. scrambled thoughts. no matter what, i won't be weak. i shall tell myself that immediately before seeing them. these damn romance movies are getting to me. machine, dammit. machine. 3:35 p.m. - 2010-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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