silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- amor so there's this dude, CR, who was the 2nd guy i slept with, something like 8 years ago. he was a family friend of AV, they went to school together, some private school from elementary through high school, he's her older brother's age.. maybe like 33 or something now, i don't remember. so we hooked up when i was 20 maybe (i've mentioned him before) and although we had tons of fun together (or at least i thought we did), he never wanted to be all out serious with me. it was basically me coming over, we'd watch movies, listen to music, he'd smoke the good stuff, we'd go bowling, drink a little (after i turned 21), hang out at parks and relax together, i'd stay the night, and it was all good. we were cool together, but when i asked him what was up between us (because i'm still a girl dammit and i have emotions and i liked the damn guy), he brushed it off and said that we were "mutual" (i think i mentioned that before, don't feel like searching for the entry). and he said that as if i knew what the fuck that really meant, and as if it were some kind of agreement that we came to create, in which we basically hook up and hang out, but he wasn't ready to claim me as his girlfriend. so i learned to emotionally shut off myself from him, telling myself to stop caring because it's not what he wanted from me. i just wasn't good enough? i don't know. i never got clarification. so we basically went on and off being together. in a way, i could say we had a relationship, he knew me and understood me somewhat, but then again i was young and infatuated...well, not stupidly infatuated... just enough to show i cared. and he knew that i cared. okay. so he didn't want to commit to me, i accepted it. and i went around and hooked up with other people because apparently i wasn't it for him. i honestly really liked him, i cared about him enough. probably more than D1, my boyfriend i had after him for about 4.5 years. so i hooked up with this dude NE (gorgeous, tall, dark, mmm young, delicious, a patient at the office i worked at at the time, and yes, i did fantasize about rocking his body in the dark xray developer room), and then had some other random bs, but every few months CR would appear and disappear, and it was a habit of his for a while. i didn't think too much of it, because, well... who knows. so blah blah, i soon get involved with D1, and i stop messing around with all the other guys (including NE, who was also a disappearing act, moving out of town), and tell CR that i have a bf and the end. but not really. he would still call me, he'd still want to hang out, all that good stuff, and we did, because i didn't want to stop talking to my friends just because i had a bf. which i never have btw. obv, in reading my diary. hah. anyways. so blah blah blah, it's basically a running joke of mine that he calls me every single year, doesn't skip a beat. every year, just to check on me and say hi. telling me that he's having sex dreams of me, that he thought about me for some reason, that he wants to know if i will do a porno with him, you know, basic things like that. so last time he called me was last year, of course, and automatically once i get a call or text from him like this, out of the blue, i tell AV. she absolutely hates that he still calls me and doesn't understand why. she thinks he's a loser (sort of is, sad to admit. doesn't work much and just likes to smoke. still cute though.) and she still wants to know what the hell "mutual" meant between us. so i'm not sure what it is, maybe i'm the one that got away, or more specifically, the one he let get away. because i was always there for him. i am so loyal and giving. all a guy has to do is offer me his heart, and i will give him my all. i am such a romantic. but if no one offers me their affection, then i just continue on as the empty bitch that doesn't give a second thought to messing up other people's supposedly "happy homes". anyways, i'm sure you get my point: he called me today. this morning around ten. i saw the area code and it was one i didn't recognize but i answered. he spoke and was like hey it's C, and i was like whooooooaaaa.... in my head, i started screaming with joy, because i COULD NOT WAIT to tell AV, because i mentioned to her maybe less than a month ago that his call was overdue. so we talked for about half an hour, he's somewhere in orange county, he has a gf that he lives with but supposedly it's a rocky relationship well past over, and last night he had a dream about me. well, well, well. he's not working, he's been laid off, he's thinking about me, he's looking for work. so. fuckin. adorable. and so then here i am, the girl he fuckin let go, and when we were "together", i was a dental assistant, not even considering becoming a dentist. and now here i am, apparently i'm a dentist now, and not that that makes me awesome, but i am as awesome and down as i was before, i am as loving and caring as i was before, i am as devoted and inspired as i was before, and he decided that i wasn't good enough for him. yet every single year, on the dot, he contacts me. AV asks what his problem is, or more so, what the hell did i do to him that made him addicted to me. hahaha she says that i must have some crazy tongue trick or sex trick that got him addicted. i ask wtf, why does it have to be sexual? why can't it be the love that i feel in my heart? she laughs at me and says no. she says she wants to know my trick so that she can use it too. but she's married so haha. i say that it's the same as for D1 too. too bad whatever it was didn't work on R. it sure as hell worked on M! anyways. blah blah. i had an amazing time depositing my best check i've ever received for work today. it'll only get better. i'm watching the end of pretty woman, and then juno is supposed to start. i'm drinking merlot, a whole bottle, and i hope to finish it before dad gets home so he can't say anything about it, since there will be no evidence. :) blah blah. so i'm going to tell R that i'm going to AZ thanksgiving weekend, and i'll tell him to let me know if he wants to have a visitor. i think that's a casual way to throw it at him, right? leave the ball in his court, as it always is? i'll let him know that i'm there, and then it's on him as to whether or not he wants to see me. i won't be upset if he says no; i'll prepare myself for it. there's so many songs that make me think of him. fortunately this wine is keeping me from giving a shit right now as i type away and watch the stupid sweet ending of pretty woman. i want some damn man to give me flowers. i also show my first molar when i smile, like julia roberts. big ass smile. but that's the only thing we have in common, i'm sure. on that note, i'm going to grab the bottle and pour the rest in my lovely cup. the end. life is only a dream and we are the imaginations of ourselves. i think i'm buzzed. bear with me. 7:18 p.m. - 2010-11-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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