silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- matching yesterday was a long day, not entirely sure why. we had a holiday lunch for the nice office and did some gift exchange stuff. it was the kind of thing where everyone brings a random gift and then we drew numbers and people could take a gift away from someone else who had previously chosen, i think she called it "chinese gift exchange," something like that. one girl picked a gift and it was a bottle of wine and a wine glass, so naturally yours truly decided to swoop on that when it was my turn. this office crew doesn't know me well enough yet, so they have no idea that i am a bit of an alkie. they'll find out soon enough, gradually. i'm semi talking to R online right now. sometimes it's tough to force myself to initiate light convo with him. it's always random bs. i guess i don't feel anything anymore; i guess i'm not supposed to. i suppose i'm happy that i no longer have the drama of emotions towards him drowning me anymore. i can't believe how i let him take over like that. lesson learned. every weekend rolls around and i get sad and upset about my life and how damn boring it is, and that i'm not doing much of anything to alter that. i so desperately want money so i can get my own place already. last paycheck was a joke still.. an improvement, but a joke nonetheless. i am just waiting and waiting, eventually something will work out. it's just unnecessarily lonesome. it's okay. i'll figure it out, it'll all work out. i just have to stop worrying and be patient. i wrote out a list of my bills and realized that i have some great stuff there to freak out about- malpractice insurance, disability ins, life ins... continuing ed fees soon enough as well... yeah, this is where i start freaking out again, but i won't do that until january. not like that gives me much time, but if i give myself a time frame, maybe i can follow it. i would like to do something for new years. my cousin always tries to arrange some party at hotels out here, with her friends, and invites us cousins too. personally, i don't want to go to a party with a bunch of random people and not really have anyone i want to be around. i'm not really close to this cousin although we are just a year apart, and i would say that out of all my cousins on my dad's side, she'd be the one i'm closest to...but that doesn't say much. i just want to have someone to hang with other than the host. ideally a guy. maybe i'll go afterall and see if i meet somebody. i jumped back on the online dating thing yesterday, but again half-ass. i got on match.com this time, but you have to pay for this one, and i don't feel up for wasteful spending, although apparently people keep emailing me, and they have it so that you can't read the messages unless you pay and can't even really talk to the people. i feel so behind in life. well, my love life. i shouldn't have let myself get involved with M because he set me back too. every guy i dealt with in d-school was deleterious to my emotional health. fuckers. i'm sure this match thing will only last about a week or two, just like the other things did. anyways. i work tomorrow morn. super excited as always. gonna watch some movie now and try not to think about... well... anything. 9:26 p.m. - 2010-12-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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