silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey jealousy Every now and then, I become really frustrated with where I am in life, in the sense that i am at ground zero when it comes to having a significant relationship at the time, and absolutely lower with having the prospect of creating my own family. Also with my physical location, because Las Vegas hasn't been the best place to find people to spend time with who aren't all about hooking up and partying. I texted an old friend last week for his birthday, and he later called me on Friday saying we should hang out, grab drinks, blah blah. Which in itself is cool and fine by me. He's one year younger than me, I like being around my age group, ideally somewhere along my same path. I forget what he does, but he makes good money and hes been in his field for several years. Anyways, he called maybe around 3, and I was like yeah sure, let's hang out, let me know what's up, blah blah blah. He then said that he had already been drinking all day and he was a little buzzed...and I didn't care much, he said he was trying to show his clients a good time. So later on that night, I went with my coworkers to a show at a school, which I had told the guy about, and he called me just before it started saying "okay, Larry flynt hustler bar, all you can drink till 9, come down!" and I say umm yeah I'm at the show I told you about... Anyways, too much chatter there, but the thing is, I'm not thinking I'm above him or anything, but I am not going to be caught drunk all day in a city where I now have a reputation to be concerned with because of my patients, and most specifically caught in a fuckin Larry flynt hustler bar. You have got to be kidding me. Do I think I'm the shit and too good for the place? Meh, no. Its just not my thing. But as a guy, and just a friend, why would you invite someone you haven't seen in like 2 years to a place of the hustler theme, to meet your clients...?? It just sounds...trashy. I don't want to be associated with that. I don't know. I just have to keep an eye on how I represent myself in the city now. And speaking of the city, I am again at a crossroads of staying or going. I wish I had someone to really talk to about this, about life. I have my school mom who I will see when I go back to sf; I'm thinking of seeing if I can get together with her at some point. Ill email her and see if she wants to try to get together. I'm mostly bummed right now though that I don't have anything going for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have the degree and a good career lined up. But right now, this very moment, I have nothing. I have emptiness. And i know it's silly, but I get on fb and I see all these girls who I just went to school with who have 1) gotten engaged, 2) gotten married, or 3) are pregnant. And most of them my age or younger...mostly younger. So where did I fuck up? Not that I have to be on the marriage path or the mommy path, but come on, give me something. Give me someone who actually gives a shit about me. I want to look forward to seeing somebody. I want to have that extra happiness that you get when you have someone special. And I'm not trying to meet this person at the hustler bar. I'm not into that aspect of the Vegas scene anymore, I don't care about the partying, because I have no reason for it. When my sf friends come out to play, fine, I'll go to the strip. But otherwise, I want a change in life. I want what the other girls have. These other girls graduated with me; they have their degrees, too, but they get to top it off with guys they love and babies on the way. And I know I'm not financially stable to raise a family, I'm not saying that I'm at that point or that I want exactly that. I just want to be on the path of a relationship at least, and I don't even have the workings of that in progress. Whatever. I need to shut up and focus on the things that are more important, like family and being financially secure. I think I'm going to just suck it up and stay here in Vegas, at least until my mind clears up. I don't want to uproot my "life" in search of opportunities. I need stability and peace of mind right now. I just wouldn't mind having somebody special. We all deserve to feel loved, right? I will admit that I'm jealous of all those people who are getting married and preggo, the ones younger than me. Not that I SHOULD be there, nor that I necessarily strongly desire it. It would just be nice to have somebody special. Great way to start my Sunday. I do have a couple errands to run at some point. Oh and when we saw the show on Friday ( it was a performance of hairspray at a high school of performing arts) my assistant was sitting next to me and I said "man, it would be nice to be talented," and she replied "yeah, well you're smart, so you have that going for you!" Hm. No, I wish I had a great acting or dancing ability. I will never say that I'm smart. Just because I went through a lot of schooling doesn't mean I'm smart; it just means I passed my classes and did well enough to get to where I want to be. It's called dedication and persistence and fuckin studying all the damn time. That's different from talent. I just needed the ability to read and to focus, just like everyone else who goes to professional school. Now maybe some of those other people are insanely smart, but honestly, I'm just average. I'm no genius, I'm no braniac. I'm just a girl who studied hard, learned what I needed to learned, practiced what I needed to practice, and they handed me my diploma.. a few times. And I know I can dance, I mean, I did win the best booty shaker award last year... But I want to be able to do more controlled dancing... I would love to be a performer. I can't help it, I want to be famous. There are famous dentists out there, mostly like the big names that we know in our awesome dental circles, or bill dorfmann from extreme makeover, who actually graduated from my school years ago... Oh well. Fame could be a bad thing. I'll settle for just being special to someone. On that note, I'll leave and go about my day. Coffee time. Forgive my lameness. 8:53 a.m. - 2011-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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