silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Countdown I am so damn tired of all the violence and shootings and deaths that I am hearing about daily on the news. It will never get better, will it? Guns are in the wrong hands and its kids are out there getting pissed off at eachother at parties, and then shooting and killing some bystander. It's bullshit, it's so frustrating and scary. Sorry. Just getting pissed watching the news. I haven't updated. I keep starting them up and then falling asleep or distracted and blah blah blah... So last week I went to the tool concert. It was beautiful, looking forward to the next chance I get to see them. I met some guys there, one of them was flirting hard on me but he was drunk so it was partially funny and only slightly annoying. He was also 10 years older than me, which he actually looked quite younger. If he were a local, I would've tried to talk to him a bit more and maybe flirted back more, but he was from New York and I just don't care if he's so far away. We had a couple drinks after the show and parted ways. This morning I came back to the city from my weekend trip to napa/San Francisco. I brought two of my sisters with me and we stayed at my friend's awesome loft (and then some blah hotel), and he hooked us up ridiculously with wine tasting and dinner and driving us around everywhere. He was actually absolutely amazing, I love this guy. He is a little twisted in his perspective of relationships right now, but I can see myself having a long friendship with him. That's all I ever really have is friendships with people. I suppose that is all I can ask for. Dating stuff is blah. This annoying guy from the online site called me yesterday but I ignored it of course. I... don't know. I don't give up, I just give up caring. And actually, I feel like right now I want to turn back to being the way I was with guys in my early twenties. I just need to not be picky or whoever or whatever I am now that is keeping me from having a good time with people. I'm being cautious or something with my heart, and I'm trying to be smart and not let people affect me or take advantage of me anymore, but I'm really just facilitating my loneliness. Not that I want to be taken advantage of, but I just want to be open to opportunity. And I need to stop saying no to people I guess and stop being so damn skeptical and...critical? I don't know what it is. I just don't believe anyone's intentions anymore but then I don't feel like I'm deserving of someone good. And I don't know if I can even meet a good person or...hell, I don't know. I just need to let myself be out there and in the open and available. I'm extremely strong and capable on my own, but it doesn't mean I want to be alone. I also feel like I want to move back to San Francisco. I think that's where I should be. I need to figure it out. R messages me weird stuff. I am happily past emotions for him and now I just laugh at the things he says and does. Another friendship that I will just hold on to for as long as I can. Anyways. Must work on my life planning. My friend CH and her hubby took me out to dinner tonight. They spend about 10% of the time letting me talk and 90% talking/whining about their stupid issues that really aren't issues. They want to have kids and she always childishly whimpers about how childbirth would hurt and that she wants me to have the kid for her. Shes been saying this for over a year. Maybe it's funny to her, but it's getting annoying. She is 29, her hubby 35. He wants kids. So does she. She's being stupid and their life is stable and all their friends (except for me of course) have kids. It's what they want. I'm the type of person who pursues what I want. I didnt whine about wanting to be a dentist. I went to dental school. I don't whine about wanting to travel, I do it. I whine about not having a decent relationship, but I'm at least trying. I'm a damn adult, they are too. Act like it and don't invite me out to take me out for my damn birthday dinner and complain about your non-issues the whole time and have me sit there as your damn marriage counselor/third wheel. I didn't even have a drink to assuage the mental anguish I was enduring in that conversation. Yes. In a few short minutes I will finally, FINALLY, be 30. It's about time. 11:15 p.m. - 2012-01-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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