silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A day to be independent Ever the festive one with attire, I nerded out with my outfit for the 4th. I am always happy and proud of myself when my sister responds with a scoff and an "oh god" when she sees me, and when my mom laughs loudly and my dad has his huge smile as they seem to keep forgetting that I will embarrass the crap out of myself every chance I get with a corny holiday outfit. I had bought some shorts from Walmart with Stars and Stripes all over it and some blue suspenders. Wore a white tube top and a random red, white, blue belt I happened to have. Had some huge blue rimmed glasses I got last weekend in Washington, and painted the nails red and blue, puffed my hair out, and decked huge hoop earrings and a star mood ring and necklace from my shooting star costume almost a decade ago. I rocked it. People laugh and say they have no words for me, that I am hopeless, or just ask me "why??" repeatedly. And then take pictures of me. Success. So my 4th was dressing up for family BBQs basically. Got home early and read for a bit. Sipped some wine and reflected, and thought too much and got sad a little, and felt lame because of all these people I know who are in all these glorious relationships or just got engaged or just got married, and blah blah blah. It's okay, I can be weak and lame every now and then. I sit and question why I can't catch a break or get the opportunity to meet someone wonderful, question what is so terribly wrong with me, question if my indifference over the years has scarred or jinxed me against something decent, if the fact that I have been so flippant in regards to the men I have had these flings or whatever with, if that has screwed me over to the point that I just exude a sign or a pheromone against true attraction or affection, that is it just hopeless? I question what it is that I am supposed to do to pursue the ones I have interest in, is it too late to be taken seriously or to be viewed in a certain light? I question why is it that people look at me and just want to hook up with me and keep it light? I know the answer to that last one is because I allow it. And I allow people to think that I don't care. And I allow myself to think that I don't care. It is quite the cycle. I tell myself something to justify the feelings I have, creating me to cause a new round of a lack of feelings so as to not leave me affected or emotionally afflicted. "We accept the love we think we deserve." That was a line in the perks of being a wallflower. I think I quoted it correctly. Hits too damn close to home. I accept the liaisons that require no emotional commitment, and I shy away from the ones I truly want, because of that damn fear of rejection and the fear of loss of friendship. And then I see my little cousins and nieces and nephews out there irresponsibly bringing new life into the world, and I think, well fuck I could've just ran out and did that too, if I didn't think responsibility was that important. One cousin today, apparently she admittedly gets pregnant in hopes to hold on to or keep whoever the father of the current one is...but it doesn't work obviously. I should be thankful that I never ended up in a situation where I was to hope someone would stay with me due to pregnancy. Maybe I've done something decently all along. But it doesn't make my personal life any less lonely. Whatever. I'm just whining now. Ignore me. I am delirious and in need of sleep. Must try to grab a couple more hours of rest so I can put on my happy face at work tomorrow. But that little quote does ring true for me, from several of my experiences. I have just accepted it, with so many people, so many of my situations. I tire of it. And I reject it now. I know what I deserve, and I don't want to just accept anything anymore. Blah-biddy blah . At least my outfit was pimp. Happy 5th now? 12:37 a.m. - 2013-07-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||