silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nada I had felt like keeping my silence until I said my piece. Expressed my feelings, blah blah. Not like I have had much of anything to say anyways. Work, same. Life, same. Losing a little bit more weight, that makes me happy. But still all the same. AN is done, haven't spoken in months to one another. Works for me. Nobody new, no desire for anybody new. Anyways, yeah. It had been nagging at me more and more, and moments to discuss would come up and I wouldn't take the opportunity. But I told myself, I have to just fuckin say my piece. So I did. Let out the little feelings captured inside my weary heart. Just...let it out. No argument ensued, no drama took place. This happened on the evening that we celebrated the music of Chris Cornell, after hearing of his passing. Had a good time as a group just drinking and all that good shit. Came back home, he said some dumb stuff as he was getting ready to leave about people not caring about him and blah blah, and I was over it. He is always so woe is me, nobody cares. Shut it. It's like a stab, you know? When you blatantly, obviously care about someone, and they discount it like meh ok sure I guess maybe you kind of do. Anyways, I would love to say that everything turned into butterflies and rainbows, but it didn't. But then again, it didn't turn bad? After he left, around 3 am, I drunkenly cried my ass off to my sister on the phone, after I texted her to see if she was up. I hate crying, for one, and I hate crying over him even more. But as it turns out, it's all normal still. Which...is dumb. I have come to the conclusion that he didn't clearly understand what I was saying, and I had an emotional breakdown afterwards for no reason. So, I have to say it again, in a way that he will get it, because he is apparently either hardheaded and ignorant, or disregarding what I said with more ignorance. We have spoken since, and it has been like it was the day before. No acknowledgement of what I said. Which, yes, I did say straight up "I love you". But I swear, it didn't register. Anyways, I didn't see him again over the weekend. I opted against hanging with the group for karaoke last night, because 1) I didn't want to go and 2) I feel like I just need a moment away from him. And hell, 3) I hate to have people think that I only go to things because he is going to be there. Although I wanted to see him...I always do. So whatever. I am permitted to write in here again, since I have shared my damn feelings with his ass. Even if to no avail. I guess I'll just uh try again next weekend? Rolling my eyes over here. But I've been around. Reading entries and what not. I've just been pretty distracted with life and work and getting my mind straight. Happy that I am almost under 160 pounds. Not that the number is a huge deal, but I was at 174 at the end of last year. I'm hovering around 161 now. Trying to run more, eat better and less, drink less alcohol and more water. All those things you are supposed to do. I've been sad lately, and I know some of it is because of how i believe I look. And of course, some of it is just due to my general emotions of late. So I'm going to go to bed now and take a pill and hope that tomorrow brings promise of something good. But it's just another day of teeth and faking that I want to talk to people when I'm in a bummed out mood. I really hate having to fake my positivity so often. Oh, and I'm going to Jamaica in September. Just booked the flight. It's with my former Dental school, a mission trip, and my roommate from school is going, too. She's the one who told me and begged me to come along. And I bought the Apple Watch a couple days ago, because I felt like spending money. It was $380 for the newer version (with target's 5% red card savings), and I just thought...fuck it. It's just money. That's what I say all of the time these days. I also end up paying a decent amount of the tabs that CA and I rack up at bars. Or he will pay some too, of course, but I find myself taking the bill altogether if it gets too high, because it doesn't affect me too much. We haven't been doing a lot of split bills lately, which I like. I don't mind paying my share of course, but it's nice when he acts like a damn gentleman and takes the bill. But I will alternate and take the bill, too. I don't take advantage of him, and I believe he appreciates it. The other night we were out with the group and he put his food and our drinks together all night, separate from the others, and when the bill came, he was clear across the room, so i just took it. $50, didn't matter, and he was shocked that I did, but I wasn't going to be whiny and make him come over to pay. Anyways. I digress, I'm just waiting for my sleepy pill to kick in. Today was a quiet, lonely day. I think I will shut down now. On to tomorrow. Happy May, D-land. I guess it's almost June. 10:51 p.m. - 2017-05-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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