silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- failure i went for a walk. i needed a walk. went to the beach. i enjoy that walk, it's a good workout, it's peaceful. and i just sat there for a while, not even thinking, not even reflecting, not anything. it was calming. i did this before talking to R. i'm shutting off again. apparently that's what i have to do. my heart is breaking again. and so i have to shut off. i asked him on chat if he wanted to acknowledge the other night at all, or if he didn't want to talk about it. he said we slipped up. i said ok. he said ok. we slipped up. i can pretend. that's what i've done before, that's what i'll continue to do. but i didn't want to pretend anymore. i hate when it all breaks down. i feel like lately, everything just falls apart. i'm so broken right now. god this hurts. hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love. i'm tired of finding new distractions. i don't want to. i don't want to anymore. god this hurts. i've felt so much more than i ever want to feel ever again. why does he have control over the situation? because he knows how i feel. and that's where i slipped up, a long time ago. i made it obvious that i care. so now i have to avoid it all again? never feel. there's a reason i told myself that before. and then i stopped. and then i felt. it's such a weakness. i wonder if i should be stupid and just find some dumbass to occupy my time. and my body. i think i'll take a pain pill. because i think i need an altered state of mind right now, i need to rest and not care, not think, not anything. because maybe that's the way to help a broken heart? i don't know. it's been broken before. i shut him out of my mind before, when i had to, when he killed it before. i'm tired of feeling. but i still want so much more. i'm dulling away the pain right now. i won't cry. i will smoke.. cigarettes are all i have. i could go after d2 for something else, but that requires more effort than i want to put forth right now. i will smoke, smile, eat something simple, take a pill, and fade away. any other suggestions? 7:44 p.m. - 2009-05-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||