silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yay life is too damn frustrating. i'm tired of everything. it's so hard to just be happy and leave it at that. i have to worry about everything. why can't we just drift along? i've convinced myself to just drink a bottle of wine tonight. i'm just exhausted. and not in the sleep deprived way. i'm exhausted with the way things are. men, friends, family, anything, everything. school, of course. patients, of course. i have too much to do and too little time to do it. i'm irritated with people's perception of me. i don't like what i hear, i don't like assumptions. i don't like the curious looks i get from people. i'm just being me. M says that he's sure that some people think that we've hooked up. i don't like that. i don't think that anyone should assume that of us, especially in the situation that he's in. furthermore, i really don't like them thinking of me that way. which brings me to R, and that fact that i've heard from a couple people that they thought that the two of us (me and R) had hooked up as well, which is bs, and if they know anything about him, they wouldn't think that. and i told M that i've been called out about R, and he said 'well yeah, you guys were always spending time together' as if it were obvious and natural for people to think that of us. why can't people just fuckin hang out? i mean, yeah, i give a shit about the guy, but it's gone nowhere. perhaps if something did happen, it'd be more appropriate and i'd be more accepting of the matter, but i'm pretty adamant against accusations of my hook ups when they are unwarranted. and if i were M, i would be pissed that people would think that of him considering he's getting married in a month. but no, he actually takes pride in the fact that people may think that we've hooked up, he sees it as an accomplishment in his book because he wanted to for so long and he enjoys what i do to him or whatever. such simplicity. it's annoying. sorry, i was just thinking about this stuff as we were working on a joint project and we were chatting. i don't know. it just disturbs me... i just don't want people thinking stupid shit about me. but it's unpreventable. i've become such a pain for even myself to deal with. i don't know. i don't want to pretend anything anymore. i don't want to keep being a lie. i'm seriously getting annoyed with hearing about all of M's girl's suspicions and inquiries about all these little things that are so insignificant, like why did he buy beer or why is he doing this or that. it's stupid. if she's not going to give a straight accusation, she should stop pointing out things that have nothing to do with anything. beer? really? i buy beer all the time, i need no reason to drink. but that's just me. i understand his fear of getting caught though, i'm not being completely heartless. he just gets me to worry as well... i really want to drink the bottle. it's only 9. i have to review root canal stuff for tomorrow's patient and read a couple articles for some bs seminar. and cook dinner. i wish i had a better heart. i wish i were a better person. i wish i could be given an opportunity to feel and care. because then i wouldn't be such a waste and i wouldn't be wrecking other people's relationships. i would only be wrecking my own. 8:36 p.m. - 2009-08-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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