silver4's Diaryland Diary

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addendum

my head is clear now. i don't want to dwell on the subject, but overall, M is jealous of the fact that he is not the only man i pay attention to. what am i supposed to do? am i supposed to sit around and be antisocial, talking to him only, knowing that he is with his girl and has no intention of leaving her? i'm not an idiot. i'm realistic. and reality says that there are other men out there for me to play with, ideally available ones.

so yesterday it was absolutely beautiful outside, and i really wanted to take advantage of the day. i've been in this area for 2 years and i really haven't experienced the city as much as i want to. i think if the weather is decent enough to my liking, i'll try to wander around every weekend from now on. yesterday was gorgeous and warm, so i went and got ice cream and a sandwich from a shop that one of my patients owns, and then took a 30 minute walk to go shopping. and then proceeded to spend 170 at victorias secret, and 300 at macy's. that's fine by me. i really don't go shopping much, and i enjoy the solitude and peace of aimless wandering. at the same time though, M was texting me during my whole VS trip and some of macy's...
oh. more importantly, i went to this plant shop in japantown where i've bought all of my lucky bamboo plants, and spoke to the lady there because some of the leaves on a couple plants have been turning yellow, and rather than take the advice from the internet which says that everything is dying, i wanted to go to where i know i always see flourishing plants. so i asked her for advice and bought 4 more and a new container for them because i am addicted to them, and now my display is even more beautiful. it's such a cheap plant. i bought 4" stalks for .70 each. so now i have 10. and they are beautiful, along with the carnations i bought 2 weeks ago that haven't died and still look just as wonderful as the day i bought them. i should take a picture actually. they are that awesome.

i don't know what today will consist of. we will be bbqing today, since we didn't yesterday. it's my friend JC's bday tomorrow, so supposedly something about that as well i was told. in all honesty, i really just feel like an accessory friend around them. there was once a time when i felt that we were actually all good friends. but then came the downfall, and then came the truth. and honestly, it's no problem. i'm perfectly content to leave this city without a strong bond to any of them. it would be nice to stay in touch, especially with R, but i don't know if i have a place in his world. time will tell. he tells me repeatedly that we will always be friends, forever. i don't want to comment on that anymore, because when i am with him, i feel something different than forever. i can see myself being friends with M forever, but it would be limited because of his situation and apparently having female friends is out of the question....
i just got completely distracted away from this. he sent me an email this morning and i responded, but it completely destroyed my train of thought. figures. i probably didn't have anything worthwhile to say. i suppose i'll clean my room and do laundry now then. crap.

7:41 a.m. - 2009-08-30

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