silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing nothing nothing you know what? i'm tired of this. i'm tired of everything. it's all bs. i'm tired of the way things are, the way things go, the fakeness, the pretending that i'm happy with things, the pretending that certain things don't bother me, the smiling, the pacifying, the wasting away, the taking, the drinking, the borrowing, the playing, the studying, the thinking, the worrying, the caring, the hoping, the reflecting, the chats, the talks, the actions, the thoughts, the irritations, the fact that i should do the right damn thing, the calling, the waiting, the leaving messages, the texting, the hoping for a change...the everything. the everything, the everything, the everything. the headaches. this headache. these eyes. this just came over me. i was fine 20 minutes ago. i was chatting with M, as i always do, as i've been doing for the last who knows how many hours. after i had class with him all morning, 9-1. after i had lunch with him 1-2. after we briefly went our separate ways, and i said i had to do shit and then i wanted to study, and then he wanted to "just hang out" while i studied and followed me home, but no, he didn't just want to "hang out", so then he was here for maybe from 4-5:30. no problem though, i don't really care. then i get a brief break as he goes to the gym, and then it's back to chatting online. and now it's 11:30 at night and i have accomplished nothing and i'm such a waste of a person. but that's not why i'm upset. that's somewhat expected. i will just turn off my damn phone and turn off the internet and turn away from the beer or whatever for the rest of the week, i don't know. i got invites for parties friday and saturday nights and dammit, i just want to escape. i want to run away. i want to be away. i don't want to deal with anybody. i just want to carry on... fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i don't want anything. i'm sorry. so i talk to M about everything, about me, my friends, my family, us, sex, sex with him, sex with others, more about me, stuff about him, it's all fair game. he's the one person i can be the most honest with. and i love him for it. i just don't... i don't know. blah. crap. i don't care. i do care, but i don't. i'll elaborate later, tomorrow. i just.. can't now. too many words, too many thoughts. not enough energy to think. 11:21 p.m. - 2009-11-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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