silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hold my hand, protect me from the world flowers of the week are daffodils. i went to the grocery store today and got some. i didn't go at all last weekend since my dad was in town... at least, i don't believe i did. in any case, the old flowers had pretty much died, i had two sets, some carnations that lasted a good 4 weeks actually, and some lilies that barely made it over a week. we'll see how the daffodils last. it would be nice for someone to buy me flowers for once. i've never had a guy really do that. d sent me some during my first year here when we were still mainly together, he sent some for our anniversary. it was nice of him, but too bad the relationship was already over in my head. i actually chatted with him yesterday, we didn't really have much to say to one another. i wonder if we can be friends, like good friends ever. i like him as a person, just not as a boyfriend. anyways. that's over so i don't really care. but i did want to just say hi to him or so since i had missed his call on my birthday. that's pretty much it for there. today i didn't do much. i mainly just thought about things. thinking and freaking out is what i do best. i thought about the situation with M and how we have this conference thing for the whole class this upcoming weekend, and it's outside of the city, and i can already anticipate him tagging along by me the whole time, because frankly, he just always wants to be with me. but that's where people start to get suspicious. it's bad enough that he didn't invite his wife to the retreat. we were allowed to bring spouses and children or so, and there were supposed to be activities or what not for them for when we are busy doing whatever the hell it is we are supposed to be doing. when she was here with him the other day, it came up, and she sounded a little pissy about the fact that she wasn't invited to come along. her belief is that he doesn't invite her to these things because he wants to hook up with other girls. well, she's not completely wrong. the poor thing. she's right, she's on the ball, she has every reason to doubt his fidelity towards her. but what can i say. well, i know what i can say. but i don't care. i only care because it just means that he will be by my side a lot, and i actually would prefer to interact with some other people every now and then, or just even with my R group. did i say my R group? i meant R. okay fine, others too. but of course i want to be around R as much as possible. i think there is even some kind of dance thing at some point, i can't recall entirely, but whenever there's social events and drinking or whatever, i can guarantee you that i will do what i can to be with him. M will just have to deal with the jealousy. i can't please him, it's not my duty, it's not my responsibility. lately he just makes me think more and more about us, in a way that makes me uncomfortable. it sounds like he has some kind of bitterness towards the status of his relationship now, and with all his interjections of love and all his talk about how life is miserable without me and his hatred towards the end of our schooling because of the separation it entails... all of that just combined gets to me. i see the end as a relief. it will be sad not to see him as often as i do, but we will still talk and text and chat, i'm sure. but it's also an important time for him to get more settled into his life with his wife, without me as an oft-occurring distraction. i know that i'm a thorn in their relationship. or more like a splinter. because it's like just under the skin bothering and you can't get rid of it easily. actually, that makes no sense. i don't really expect it to though. whatever it is, my current thoughts are that his desire to not leave me are equivalent to my desire to not leave R. i worry about whether or not we will still communicate with one another, and it concerns me because i still feel like if we could have a chance at one another, we could make each other happy. he just fucks me up. it's always his fault. he's the one who always brings it back out of me. i am fine for weeks or months or so, and then he brings it all back and just sits there and relaxes once the damage is redone. leaving me to think and think and overthink and care and over-care. and love. and over-love. if there is such a thing. i keep protecting myself from him. i don't want to protect myself anymore. i want to go up to him and grab him and kiss him. sober. i want to tell him, i should tell him, how i feel and how i will always feel. i remember thinking that i would never love anyone like i loved T. that did last a good long time though. and why didn't i have real love for d? we were together for five years. we lived together for almost three. and i never really loved him. no. i'll never tell him. it's pointless. i don't know why i do this to myself, it's like i want to get myself hurt. i just have to remember what he has done to me and the bad times, and who he has been to me. i have to remember the bad stuff and realize that it makes a difference in the long run. i can never trust him with my feelings. he doesn't deserve them. remember how it felt when it all went wrong. realize that in his eyes, you are nothing. i should just settle for who i am to M and what i am to H. i will never get to be who i want to be to R. i don't know what i believe about fate. i... i don't think i do believe. yet somehow, this must be my destiny. 11:35 p.m. - 2010-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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