silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Intermission I went to bed around 1:30, woke up at 4:30. I wrote M an email because that's just what we do when we wake up at odd hours. Or any hour. Then he texted me back, because he was awake too. Chat chat, I bitch about some classmate, I state that I still feel sick, I say that I hugged my pillow as I slept last night...for those couple hours. He says it shouldve been him I was hugging. And then: Ah. Aww. Sweet. I reply accordingly, at the same time thinking how i sit around pining for R, and M is what I get, but not really. It comes down to being that I 1) can't have who I want, and 2) can't have who wants me. Does that make sense?? Earlier, right before I went to bed, I was chatting with my girl JN, and she was talking about how vacations are a good time to just hook up with people. And I agreed, but I stated that where I am now, I don't feel the need to do that. I'm not in party hook up mode. I don't need that. Just like I don't go to the bars and clubs to find my next sexual victim; I'm just not feeling it. Although I have a completely unhealthy relationship with M and an even unhealthier yet non-physical one with R, I don't feel the need to throw myself out there to the irresponsibility. I would feel very detached. And although it's okay to feel that way sometimes, I feel that way too much right now as it is, and I don't want to perpetuate it by giving in. It's fine though, if I meet someone I want to pounce, I'll go for it, but I won't just walk around with those intentions. Partly because that hopeful naive part of me wants the remainder of me to be perfect for R for the off chance that he'll care about me. I can never do anything that will compromise my hope for him and me, even though I know it's nonexistent. But who cares. 5:30. Going to rest the eyes again. And hug the pillow. 5:05 a.m. - 2010-03-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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