silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anti-July 4 I kept trying to write on here but I keep getting interrupted or I start writing, but I do so on my phone and it gets erased. Not like I've had anything decent to say though. One annoyance is that i think my background check papers got lost in the mail. Don't know if I've mentioned that yet, but I'm freaking out about it. So yeah, crossing fingers, hoping for the best, I'll see what happens. :( Oh and I am officially against 4th of July now, because last year this time, my little sister got into a motorcycle accident and broke her neck. Now last night, my 18 year old niece had a large rock thrown at her face accidentally and it hit her eye. She had surgery today and will have to have maybe two more surgeries, but apparently she most likely will not regain vision in that eye. I'm starting to really dislike hospitals, unless it is related to dentistry. I want to go on a date. M is being weird again, saying the weird cutesy stuff. I keep trying to say things that are meant to push him back a little but he doesn't accept it, he just keeps telling me how wonderful I am, and that stuff doesn't grab me at all. He jokes and says that when she asks about me, he says that he loves me and blah blah, but I don't find it funny. And then I ask him serious questions about what if she says this or that, what am I supposed to say, because although I feel like it's fine that we hang out like regular friends and kick it with others around too, he will lie to her and tell her that he's with anyone other than me. I just want to tell the truth about innocent things, because otherwise we will get caught up in the lies. I don't think about R anymore. I don't miss him. I don't wonder about him, I don't wonder about if I pop in his mind, I don't wonder if he recalls the times we had together and the things he used to say to me. At this point I just assume that it's completely over; I know that it's over. And I'm not depressed about it. Sometimes I want to react. Sometimes I still want to believe and hope. But then I think that there are more practical, more important things to focus on, and that is my career. Career and family. Who cares if I am the farthest away of anyone I know from creating a family of my own? I am currently married to my career. And that's the end of it. R is online right now. I won't initiate any conversation with him. Not to be indignant, I just protect myself. However, I often get online for the sheer purpose of letting my name pop up for him to see. It often makes no difference. I'm watching "closer" now. A fave movie of mine. By December, none of this will matter. Ideally by that time, I will be licensed, employed, making wonderful money, and gaining much needed experience. Emotions will take no part in my life. I saw this quote on someones fb today. I will soon place it on my own: "A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left." - Marilyn Monroe. Enough said. Someone out there cross your fingers that these people get my damn application tomorrow. I can't have that important info lost in the world... 6:13 p.m. - 2010-07-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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