silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- but what about me i feel like i have nothing worth talking about these days because there is absolutely nothing going on. i am bored out of my mind. i feel like i'm just wasting away. i don't get on my gchat much anymore because i don't want to talk to anyone from school, because i'm not doing anything and i'm tired of them all saying how wonderful their lives are. i just don't care to hear it. i complain too much, i know. but my complaints are justified. it would be nice to have a special someone in my life. i gave up on the online dating thing; i didn't even give it two weeks. it's just not for me, but maybe i'm just not a dater. i've only had two real boyfriends in my life, everybody else has been... whatever they have been. playthings? distractions? transients? borrowed? whatever and whomever they may have been, i wouldn't mind another to pass the time. and although i'd really love to hook up with someone, i told myself to wait a bit into the "relationship" beforehand... but wtf i didn't take into account the time it takes to find someone. and it doesn't help that i'm not really looking. i keep falling into the mental trap of thinking about R and T. for R, i keep thinking of how much i truly cared about his dumb ass and everything we went through. i think about having spent every single weekend in his bed, watching movies with him, talking nonsense, being close and lovey with him, for no reason, save my ridiculous emotions. that guy really tore me apart and acted so innocent in the process. i didn't deserve that, nor any of the stress or the arguments or the fact that he merely treated me like shit sometimes. he simply doesn't deserve my affection, yet i can't take it away. i honestly do not want to love him anymore. i hate slipping into loving him. i hate thinking "oh, well he only lives a 5 hour drive from me," as if that could be a justifiable relationship, or even a relationship in itself. i know damn well it will never happen. but part of me lives in the worst denial imaginable, wishing for something i can never have, and honestly shouldn't want. whatever. as for T, i cannot escape seeing and hearing his name, daily! i didn't think it was a common name, but i swear every day his name comes up. and again i think, what is this? do i try to find him? is he supposed to pop up in my life again? and as always, blah, whatever. this is why i need someone else. i need a damn distraction. i hate thinking about these idiots. so heartless. like i said, nothing to talk about. i sit around drinking my lovely beer and going to the gym... that doesn't sound right. okay yeah i'm not really balanced out right. well, just a couple more weeks. nov 1 start date supposedly. looking forward to having money again. my bank account is absolutely depressing. i want to take culinary courses when i get money, don't know if i want basic cooking or like pastry stuff. we'll see. maybe i'll meet a new honey in class. blah. a girl can dream. good night. one day i'll have something really amazing to say. ideally around nov 1 when i start at that place. until then, bear with my boredom. oh and painting my nails. i spend important time painting my nails. good night. 12:44 a.m. - 2010-10-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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