silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- deprimida i sort of feel like playing megabucks a little bit every day, with hopes that one of these days that magical money will appear in my lap. however, i'm pretty sure i have to be 70+ years old to win. although there are some young winners every now and then... i am just super broke and super nervous about money and loan repayment and basically all of that. i'm losing it, i'm scared and frustrated. i'm hoping and praying still that something works out for me one of these days. the bullshit with this damn office is annoying as fuck. i'm freaking out. i just need something to pull through, pleeease. i barely genuinely smile any more. i just go through the days waiting for something positive to happen. and it just doesn't. i went out to the birthday party last night, the kid was 1. my friend CT was there, she has 2 kids and wants to leave her husband, she's wanted to leave him for years now but she doesn't have the balls to do such. she wanted to leave him before she had the second kid (4 years old i think), and pretty much when i first met her maybe 8 years ago it was like this. so last night she shows up eventually, with him too, and apparently they were fighting the whole drive to the park, and then she told me how frustrated she still is and how she still wants to move out and blah blah blah. she knows i'm there for her and will emotionally support her no matter what, but the cycles of her situation overall is exhausting. when she really wants to make a move, i'll def be there for her. but of course, no one is ever there for me. so great to be the friend to others that i want for myself. tomorrow i talk to the lady at the temp place. fuck i really wish i would've found out about this place sooner. :( whatever. there's that master plan for me out there. and everything will work out. right? i'm just depressed. i ate a bowl of ice cream for breakfast. i'm about to make some coffee, then i'll probably grab some ice cream for lunch. and the gym is not gonna happen today. but tomorrow i will go to lunch with CH, for sushi at our usual meeting spot. and i think i'll pound a couple beers while i'm there, because it helps me feel less depressed. having a friend and sushi and beer, even though i know i won't be able to talk about my concerns and worries and anything about myself and my feelings at all, at least on the outside i can pretend it's all okay. 11:24 a.m. - 2010-11-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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