silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient (tool) I actually realize as I talk more to this new guy that I really do have an emotional unavailability problem. It is a huge issue. I am extremely protective of myself and I have goals and things that I aspire for. I have hopes for my future and my career and possibly for a future family. A problem that has been long realized, however, is that I have never envisioned myself married. May or may not be a problem depending on the viewpoint. I have always imagined myself as a mom, but never as a wife. I struggle with that. And the more I talk to this guy, and the more he pokes at that part of me that is walled off, the more I see the truth of how I am. I haven't always been this way though. What the hell happened? I was emotionally available before. Before dental school, I think. Perhaps not though...I did start to lose affection towards D long before we broke up. I do acknowledge that this is a problem. I don't know how to remedy it. Maybe I have to talk to someone? I joke around sometimes and say that my limbic system is damaged, because I don't have any emotions... but could it be true? Yes, I have basic emotions. But I feel like I fake a lot of it when it comes to happiness and caring etc. somewhere along the way I became damaged. I blame Tool and nine inch nails. But seriously, I think it has been my interpersonal relationships that have killed a lot within me. My interactions with R stretched out the boundaries of every single emotion I had. I was in love with him... and I had hatred towards him at the same time. He was a good friend and a terrible friend. He was kind and a complete asshole who made me cry and doubt myself and turn into an insane, angry, spiteful woman. And then helped turn me into an emotionless void. I used up all of my emotions on him. And then I waste away and have meaningless sex long term with unavailable men. M, H. D2 was pointless and influenced by alcohol and more. Anybody in dental school was purely for physical satisfaction and I never got an ounce of emotional satisfaction. M cared about me, told me how wonderful of a person I am, but anything with him all went to shit because he had the gf turned fianc� turned wife. Pregnant with his child and he still tried to jump on me. What does that say about me? (but yes, I did reject him) Then after d school I have an empty drunk evening with my sister's bf's friend, and I then have the revelation that I want more for myself. I don't want empty sex. I don't want to go through the motions and have nothing of a heart to show for it. Even hooking up with JL I felt tremendously bad and guilty, because he actually liked me and I couldn't reciprocate that feeling, even though I really like him, too. He is an awesome, great guy. But I can't be good to him, I can't open my heart to him. To anyone. I think it all came forth more so with gym guy, because that was absolutely worthless to me emotionally. I felt nothing. No happiness. No remorse or regret, which is good. But..nothing? How does that happen? How did that happen to me? I think I tried too hard in my past, and that the people of my past left significant scars, even though I hate to use that as an excuse, a cop out. I see it as the truth though. I loved T, over ten years ago, and he started me down this path. I loved him, and he couldn't love me. Or I will never know, actually. Wouldn't it be nice to finally have some closure with him? Right. Impossible. I cared for C, I cared for E. I have wasted so much effort giving a shit about people, about people who couldn't give a shit back because they were too ignorant or too high or too married. Or too R. So much emotional energy expended, I think I am tapped out. I want to care about someone, but I don't think I know how to anymore. I think that I am damaging to others. Gym guy never had a chance. He never knew what was coming for him. Neither of us could've expected me to be completely void of anything. I just don't think I can love. I think I am tapped out of love. And I replaced it with wine. I wish sometimes that I could talk to one of the guys about this. M knows how I am, I have told him, and he understands me. He also doesn't want anyone to have me as it is in the first place, so he isn't a reliable source of empathy. I just can't do it. I have to tell this guy. He is a nice guy, he deserves a chance to run and escape while it is still all clear. After this, I am ignoring the online dating thing for a while. I have to figure out my emotional issues first. I can feel it, I can feel the emptiness. I know it takes over me and I hate it. I will not, adamantly will NOT, open up and let anybody inside anymore. That is not my intention, it is just what I have become. I claim that I want to love at some point again, but I just cannot open up. I am just a brick wall. I am completely guarded. I don't know what it will take to break me down. Maybe a demolition team. I said that I am a machine. I told myself to never feel. I wrote it on the mirror so that every time I looked in it, I would see my mantra. I debated on getting "never feel" tattooed on my ankle, maybe in Spanish. I listened to nin and took the words to heart, when they told me I was damaged and gone, that I was one million miles away and felt nothing and that I was a big, broken machine. I listened to tool inform me that I have become dead inside, but that at least there is a glimmer of hope for a desire to heal. The new guy asked me when was the last time that I cried. I said that it has been less than a month or so, from my own overthinking, not by somebody hurting me or whatever. He doesn't believe that I cry. I love that I am viewed as solid and strong, but I hate it at the same time. He told his mom about me, showed her a picture. Told her about our date and all these positive attributes about me. He is wasting his breath. I will attempt to sleep some more before work. I wonder if I have lidocaine running through my veins instead of blood, and that that is why I am completely numb. All the lido zoomed out of my patients into me. Interesting. 4:00 a.m. - 2012-06-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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