silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oops I am terrible. Well, first off, I did a great deal of running around yesterday, tending to random errands and things I wanted to do. It all worked out. Final thing though was going out with the new guy, DW. Since he was all about us riding together this time, I met up with him at his place. I was already out in the streets, so it was easier for me to just keep going instead of go home and wait for him. We went to dinner and a movie, then back to his place. I have been completely honest with him and upfront about the fact that I don't take well with compliments, I have issues being touched like hand holding etc, I just have to get comfortable. Not intending to scare him off, but to make him aware of how I am, so he can stop being a baby about my lack of expression of affection. He doesn't stop though, he whines about it and says that I have a wall, and is so frustrated about it, but claims he is joking. I know, I don't open up my heart to people, unless I feel like it. I have known him for two weeks, he doesn't need to know and understand my soul. Anyways, it was late, we were drinking some beers and he kept trying to be all close to me. Oh, and before that, he did grab my hand to hold during the movie, and yay me, I didn't feel like my skin was crawling. So back at his place, movie blah blah, he was cuddling into me and then said "wait no, you are supposed to be laying on me". So I accepted that role, but laying down basically put me to sleep, and it was already late. So I kinda fell asleep in his lap, it was 2:30 am and he said that he was going to bed and I was welcome to join him, but that he understands if I just want to go. I debated and said ok I'll see you later, but he was like no, just come up with me. I was tired anyways, so it was fine, and we actually did just sleep, which was good. A couple kisses blah blah, but intention was to sleep. But then of course, this morning we are awake. I feel sore in my eyes because I slept in my contacts, but there was nothing to put them in so I said fuck it. I didn't sleep well anyways because I also hate sleeping with new people, until I am used to them I guess. I told him before we even went to sleep that I have a tendency to not sleep well after a while, and that I would try my hardest not to leave at 6 am from the boredom of just laying there. I hate that, I hate feeling stuck with someone just to be polite and not sneak out of their beds in the morning. I was direct and honest, he should be grateful that I warned him instead of potentially being all hurt and shocked that I try to peace out the first chance I get. But I didn't, i stuck around for a while and we talked. He kept wanting to hold me and cuddle, which is cute and okay I guess, but honestly like I said, my eyes hurt, and I was tired because I couldn't sleep well. He said that he was excited and happy to have me stay over, that he can still never read me (which is how I like it), so it was a non-verbal compliment to him that I was accepting of him enough to stay the night. Blah blah. He is wrapping himself all around me, he says that he loves this about me and that about me and my body, but that he is afraid to make any moves on me, because he thinks I will shoot him down. I say that I won't. He actually says that he is "deathly terrified" of me. Which I take as a compliment. I ask really, deathly? Yep. That bad. I am that intimidating and hard to read, and I don't make it any easier since I don't express any feelings for him to feed off of. Anyways, as can probably be assumed, he eventually said "fuck it" and I guess he couldn't contain himself anymore, and jumped on me basically and blah blah blah, we ended up having sex. Which was fine with me, it was fun. Definitely was not in my intentions for the date at all, but it happened so whatever. So that's why I say I am terrible. I do like him enough, but I'm still very weary of an actual relationship. He is nice and kind and polite and respectful. He doesn't let me pay for anything, and genuinely enjoys being with me, before anything physical jumped in. Who knows though. I never feel anything special towards people anymore, so I guess just see how this goes. Interesting thing though is that R has perfect timing of messaging me when I have something going on with a new person. We talk waaay too rarely as it is, but the last 2 weeks or so, he has been back on the radar. I know that we will never be an option together, but I swear there is some psychic thing he has going on. It will be zero communication for three months or so, and then the moment a new person comes around, R has some reason to text me or message me. Bullshit reasons too, like asking me if I am going out tonight or something of the like. The wishful-thinking-everything-happens-for-a-reason part of me still believes that we are meant to be together. The rational part of me reminds me that he doesn't really give a shit about me, has often been an absolutely terrible friend to me, has hurt me beyond what I thought could be possible, and, of course, lives too far away anyways. I wish he never would have taken my heart. It would be a lot easier to know him. So yeah. DW is hanging around and I'm not backing away from him yet. I guess I will see what happens. If he is still in the picture come the end of august, that will be the ultimate test. Because when the crew comes to town, I will prioritize on them, and I will get drunk and possibly emo towards R. The rational part of me hopes that I don't. But that wishful-thinking-etc part of me hopes that he will be that way towards me. 10:23 a.m. - 2012-07-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||