silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Honey DW came over last night, just left maybe 30 minutes ago. He came over after a coffee date with his mom, which didn't go well. There was a big blowout maybe a month ago with him, his mom, and step dad, culminating in his decision to no longer go over to their house every Sunday for lunch, as they, particularly the stepdad, don't really respect him as a man. So I am happy for him for standing up for himself, but it has left a disconnect. So he comes over and he just looks sad. I hug him and ask if he wants to talk and he says not yet. I was watching Blue Valentine, which has become one of my favorite movies. I bought it maybe around the time we started dating, and I've already watched it like 4 times or so. I get a little obsessive like that with certain movies. So he joins me on the couch in silence, watching this sad ass movie (which he hates sad movies), and we watch the rest of it, maybe 45 minutes or so. Then it ends and I tell him about my day, and he chimes in on his. And he is extremely emotional and hurt, upset and just sad with the way that things have become and the way that his family treats him. I, of course, am on his side and don't see any fault in what he is doing. Not just because we are dating, but because he is making logical decisions. He opts not to subject himself to their negativity and criticism and condescension. He is grown, he doesn't need it. I have come to see, though, that he is in extreme need of support. He needs emotional support and for someone to tell him that he is worthy and strong, that they are proud of him and that he is a good person, that they care about him and appreciate what he does for the family. He broke down and cried in my arms. I felt sooo bad for him, it broke my heart to see him that way. He has so many internal struggles, and doesn't have any support in his family. Everyone is so selfish and ignorant. He tries to be strong, but it is difficult for him when everyone shuts him down. And then there is me. I am a strong person, I can make my decisions without anyone's emotional support. Then again, I have a fairly supportive family. I have friends who are blessings to me. If I needed anything, I could get it (in terms of support, not material). If I am crying and feeling lost, I know exactly who I could call. If I am excited and happy, I know who to call to tell my great news to. And he doesn't have that at all, except now he has me. I realize that I am now playing a huge, important role in his life, and he has latched on to me completely. It isn't a bad thing, it isn't a scary thing. I just know that I can not break his heart, and that he sees me as the one good thing going on, that our relationship means so much to him, that in a way, he needs me. I listen to him and comfort him and support him, I give him my amazing advice and more importantly, give him my love. Which, also, I realize, he really, really needs. He needs somebody to love him and actually tell him so. As if my world wasn't hard enough trying to just survive and find my own way, I am now helping him find his. And I have issues with vocalizing my emotions to men, as the past hasn't been very successful and my heart has been trampled upon easily. But I am disregarding myself and my issues, and giving him all of my affection. I hate to see him hurting. I am very maternal, I feel the urge to console and comfort him. We finally got him calmed down and comfortable, and went on to enjoy the night and one another's company. There were a lot of "I love you"s uttered by him. In fact, it's never been said in person at all until yesterday. We've said it on the phone or in texts, but until yesterday we never said it personally. Not a big deal, but I just don't care to throw it around, you know? Well he said it three times during sex today, which was unexpected. It wasn't at the critical moments either, he just said it and seemed so caring and adoring. He said how perfect we are together and we belong together. Is it weird that that scares me? He isn't very romantic though. He may say that stuff here and there, but he isn't one to show it. It scares me how serious he is about this now. It isn't like he is sitting around talking about our future or anything, but he still just scares me for some reason. I do love what we have. I would say that I don't want things to go too fast, but I do not think there is anywhere else in particular for it to go at the moment. Works for me. Thirty is stressful dammit. When is thirty-one? I give him every ounce of the weirdness in me, and he accepts it. I am happy that I do not have to squash it. I feel so much more comfortable with him when I am allowed to be a complete, absolute dork. That's why I love my SF friends, they know the best, the worst, and the weirdest of me, and they still enjoy me. Or at least they claim they do... What a life. 6:42 p.m. - 2012-11-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||