silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Seriously though I tire of fighting. I am fighting myself. I am fighting my beliefs, whatever they are. I want to join those people who are happy and in love. I know that I am something of an anomaly, for some reason or another. But something has to give. I hate these pathetic, desperate moments. But there comes a point when the silence and sleeping alone becomes too much. Yes, I have my friends. Yes, i have my family. But at the end of the night, most of them have...somebody there. Be it a significant other, spouse, child, roommate...someone is there. I come home to a tortoise, who has been sleeping for the last three or four months in the closet. And when she is awake, she doesn't come crawling lovingly towards me; she wants food. I need some affection. I am human. Or at least I thought I was. I pulled away from CA months ago because I didn't want to continue to feel used, and I was hoping and dreaming to have something more, with someone. I don't believe in regrets, I tell myself not to, but some nights I think about it, and I think man, I should have just stuck with it, because at least I kind of had someone? Albeit once every now and then, and empty, and pointless. When I rationalize it that way, I guess I feel better, but seriously. As empty as it was, as much as he had nothing to say to me, as much as he didn't hold me or show me any affection whatsoever...at least, maybe once a month, I had someone next to me, for a few hours. And I could pretend in my mind that I was special and wanted, even if for all the wrong reasons. I could be wrong, and pathetic, and lame, and did I mention pathetic? but I would still take human accompaniment over these pillows any day. And I would likely give in, just to feel wanted again. Even if it is false. The saddest thing is how pathetically comfortable and happy I feel with CW. When he held me close, I felt safe. Nobody makes me feel safe. Granted, I am likely tougher than he is, and I would be more apt to protect him from harm...but I felt like I was in the right place. This irritates me, so I will stop. I just took some sleeping pills, partially to just shut down my thoughts as quickly as possible. I despise these moments, when I feel weak and susceptible to the woes of human emotion. I have a good heart. I just want to use it. I saw something a couple weeks ago and again tonight about this girl Gia from some season of The Bachelor, and she had committed suicide a few months ago, because she was tired of all the heartache and she just wanted to be loved. And then I just want my pills to kick in so I do not have to think anymore. 11:31 p.m. - 2014-01-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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