silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ya hey Confession: I may have started drinking too early this morning. Like maybe 10 a.m. Granted, I had already been up since 7, so technically it felt much later? Excuses. I went to two of my banks to make deposits (my primary and my office's). I get excited to make a deposit for the office. Few and far between. Usually will happen when we get a decent check from an insurance company, or I just accumulate enough checks that will warrant said drop. I just reached for a glass of wine that is too far away. I am cleaning up all around the place. I look around at the walls and wonder if I believe in the words I have posted anymore: Do I believe in any of this anymore? I am feeling introspective and semi-saddened. I feel like I want to be stupid and take someone home tonight. I miss affection. I miss intimacy. In a low moment last week (was it this week?) I looked up T's name, my first "love" or whatnot. The first person who seemed to give a shit about me and actually cared about me as a person, and cared about my thoughts and my heart, and not just my body. From forever ago. Too many years ago. Should be long forgotten, but I let the past creep up on me and my thoughts. Well apparently he is remarried. I saw some pictures, and the chick was rocking his last name. Tis just as well. I was never going to attempt to find him or try to reconnect. I never had the balls to do so. He still lives out here. As small as Vegas is, I have yet to see him again. I see other people, people I don't care to see. In a way, I want to say "hey T, look what I did! Look what I have accomplished, since we lost touch. Look what I did, isn't this good enough?" It isn't though, it never will be. Because I will never approach him, if I ever come across him, I will never go up to him. Sometimes, it just really, really, really feels so much better to have an altered state of mind like this. I'm going to stop this train wreck of thoughts for now. I will grab my wine and clean the bathroom. Then the bedroom. Maybe I will get work done tomorrow. I was supposed to do work on my accounting, but you know what? No. Give me a break for a freakin day. Listening to a Vampire Weekend. Might switch it to Passion Pit. Hm. 12:50 p.m. - 2014-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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