silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Friends

Last night:
I was very drunkenly observing my friends, paired off in my vicinity, blindly doing their own thing. Laughing, dancing, chatting, whatever it may be. And I spoke to GJ and I said, "look at them. Look how happy they are. Look at this couple, look at these two, look at these three. We have some wonderful friends, they all have beautiful souls, beautiful hearts. They are good people. We are fortunate to have them in our lives." And then, all of a sudden, I became sad, and I thought, "I am an outsider. Where do I belong? Who am I to them? Look how happy they are, does my presence mean anything? I am off on the sidelines, and they are so important to one another, so happy together. Oblivious. Unaware."

And then, all of a sudden, as I was watching a couple of the girls dance to their hearts' content, pondering my pertinence, wondering where I fit in, where do I belong, do I even belong?? what should happen at that exact moment, but CM looks at me and yells at me, beckons me to come and dance with them.

This woman has a heart of gold.

For likely no real reason at all, I felt so low, so worthless, so meaningless, so insignificant. But the moment she told me to come up and dance, I started crying like an idiot. Again, I was drunk. And the girls huddled around me and asked why I was crying, and I explained to them how perfect the timing was, of me feeling so insignificant and pointless, and that right then they told me to come up.

I have my moments where I don't know who I am or where I fit in or if I fit in. Who thinks I am special or who thinks I am intruding. Will I be important to anybody ever or will I remain alone.

My friends are like these little treasures. Yes they are crazy and a lot to handle and I'm not really like them, but they are so amazing. We all have our issues. I am not a gem by any means, but for some reason, they love me.

So I cried myself to sleep but they were drunk happy tears. Now of course, I woke up four hours later, but that is just nature hating me.

I want to find someone. I'm going to open my eyes today. Not that today is the day, but who is to say that it isn't?

I had told the girls earlier about my adventures with guys month to date. I said it doesn't generally happen like this, but I'm on a roll so I'm on the prowl this weekend...but of a repeat person. I told them how I don't like new people, like I won't pick up someone at the bar, I would only go home with someone I've already been with or am already involved with. That does make it hard to open my eyes to someone new, huh? The girls said that they want to be like me when it comes to guys, to just not care and have some "friends with benefits". That is not exactly what I have with them, but I tire of fighting the title. And that isn't what I strive for, to not care, but I am comfortable with someone I already know intimately. And I won't get up the next morning like ughhh what did I do this time?? I'm just fine with who I've been with before. So I guess I care but I don't care?

Anyways. I have to go to this Mary Kay thing. Then an oil change. Then a birthday BBQ thing. Then a friend's band is doing a concert on the strip. Then I can sleep again I think. Blah. There's always coffee :(

7:03 a.m. - 2014-06-21

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