silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zero Staring in the mirror. What could I possibly do? What would changing anything truly change? Yesterday was lost. Vodka to blame. It's only August? I agreed to go back to the other far city to work once a week, starting September. Had a meeting with the owner and he pushed it. I need the money. That is all, simply it. My happiness doesn't matter. Not that I am unhappy there. But... Yeah. It's just the money. That dictates everything. Affects my ability to pay the bills, to move out of this apartment and get a house. That is my goal. I'm about to renew my stupid lease here again, and I don't want to. I have lived here over 3 years now. I keep renewing 6 month contracts, because I cannot commit to a full year, yet I keep going for another year. Well that will be my goal. Use the money from this office, save for a down payment or whatever, and move the fuck on. Six months. That can happen, right? I need it, for myself. Nothing is real anymore. I need a break from everything. But that cannot happen. I have too many plans. Plans, not goals. Man. What is it going to take for this to get better? All of this. I hid my online dating profiles, again. Deleted tinder. That one was pointless. The only person I actually spoke to on there was nice and all, but then basically said he wanted to meet up for sex. So I stopped talking to him. I know that is the point of tinder, but at the same time, it disgusts me. Sex. I should just give up on it. People are so selfish and deceitful. I don't belong in a relationship. What is the point of anything anymore? What is the point of getting involved with anybody, at least for me? It's all a lie. I don't need this. What can I do though? Write people off? Ignore their calls or texts? I could. I just... I hate all this, I hate the games, I hate the uncertainty, I hate being who I am to some people. I am not letting emotions factor in to my current thoughts, I am simply attempting to make sense of my world. Emotions. Push them aside, right? But isn't that what I have been doing for years? Forever? When can I dust them off and put them in front again? Have they ever been in front? Can I just start over? Drop CA, drop MG. Impossible to start over. Life doesn't work like that. You can't pick and choose which parts you want to keep and which parts to switch out. Nice try though. Who am I to these people? Who are they to me? This band is coming back to town this weekend to play a couple shows with my other friends in bands. A few of the guys in this visiting band had interest in me. One of them was cute and energetic and told me how perfect and adorable I was. He was all over the place, and then he passed out in their van. Another one, I actually thought was really cute, he was fun to talk to. I put my focus on him, but then his brother became interested in me. That one actually begged me to take him home with me. He was very fond of my body. I considered it, but I thought about the fact that my place was a mess, so I told him no for now. Well, i would actually be cool with hooking up with one of them. Whichever one, really. I know. I'm classy. The girls at my Wednesday office like to hear my stories. Two are married and one was in a long term relationship but they have since split. All have children from these men, and apparently these guys are all of their only sexual partners. Which is great, sounds nice. If only I could have pulled off something like that with any of my guys. Not the kids thing, just reel in one good guy. Alright now I am just talking nonsense. Walk away from the crazy thoughts... 5:50 a.m. - 2014-08-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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