silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Connected to you H decided to come visit me this weekend. Tuesday night he told me that he would be here Thursday night. Staying with me, of course. At first I kinda flipped out. I didn't want him to assume I was going to just hook up with him like no big deal, like no time had passed. But when he showed up at my door and sat on my couch, I swear it felt like I just saw him last week instead of five years ago. It took a little while for me to get comfortable with him being here, because it has certainly been a long time. A feeling which was not reciprocated, because he basically immediately was ready to jump on me. I told him ahead of time that I wanted to keep it PG, and to just let him have a nice trip and go to this class he signed up for, etc. When he showed up, he claimed that I did not have to worry, that he just wanted to have a good time and get to know me better, and that he wouldn't ask me to do anything that I wasn't comfortable with. That was nice of him to say. I even bought it for a good ten minutes, until he started coming closer to me and kissing me and trying to touch me. I had even set out the futon for him to sleep on, but that was pointless, because he slept in bed with me and proceeded to try to push me to engage into relations with him. I said no several times, more than necessary. He was very pushy. But I succeeded...that night. Night two, I failed. And I'm glad that I did. That was some amazing sex. We did bond a lot, chatted a ton. We went on a hike in the mountains for a few hours and he told me a few things that I didn't know about him. He's a great guy, and very attractive, but he clearly has some issues, possibly some PTSD type issues, because he was in Iraq and is very much affected by it. He holds me on a bit of a pedestal though. He thinks insanely highly of me and wants the best for me for some reason. He thinks everything that I would want a guy to think towards me, and again, the sex was the best I've had in a while. I feel stupid for holding out the first night, for missing out on that... Anyways, he left Saturday afternoon for reality, and I carried on with my world. It's maybe selfish, but I wouldn't mind him coming back to visit me again and hook up again. He even thinks that I am a good person and that I deserve the best and a good guy and a good relationship. I told him that I tend to find myself entangled in situations with guys like him, who are taken and hence unavailable, and that I'm trying to get myself to stop accepting them into my life (and body?). He gave me a good outlook on myself, and made me evaluate who I am, and I appreciate him for it. I do want more for myself, and I want to keep in communication with him. On a side note, M was always jealous of my relationship with H back in school. Now he wants to come visit me, too. I don't know why these are the guys who want to involve themselves with me, but they do so. And yet the single men, the CA's of the world live to treat me poorly or don't acknowledge me. It's all good. Point is, H opened my eyes a little bit and there are things that I can change to better myself, but my first hurdle is to think better of myself and know that I deserve the good things in life, and to know that I am a good person, in spite of the negativity in my mind that tells me otherwise. And I will start going on more hikes now. 5:02 p.m. - 2015-03-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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