silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Time Kinda depressed today. Nobody to talk to, nobody who would care to understand what I am feeling. Everybody has their own problems and issues, with work, relationships, kids, life, money. I couldn't expect anybody to give a shit about my emotional state. Listened to some music. Did some laundry. Ate. Had blah text chats with a couple friends. Went shopping for a cd that I did not come across. Bought my supposed happy drink from Starbucks. Drove to my mom's place (about 30 miles away) and told myself to get it out and cry in the car if I had to. That didn't work. Bought some new nail polishes, went home, cooked, painted nails and drank some wine. Watching a movie now, my go to when I am sad. Still waiting. The thing is, I just can't talk to my friends. I am not allowed to have a down moment. I can't be sad, because everyone else has to have their own moments, and I am there to listen. That is my role in this world. I just let my mind get the best of me. I am tired of this loneliness. How is it so easy to be alone with so much company around? I'll get past it. I will shake away this feeling. I need to be honest with myself. I don't like how these days pass by. I hate waiting. I hate who I have become, at times. I hate the facade I put on, just so nobody bothers me with...whatever. I am in some kind of denial. Sometimes it just hurts though, it is a weird pain, but it is valid. Enough said. Tomorrow will be a new glorious day, and I will smile and laugh and joke around with my patients, and everybody will have a grand old time. Maybe a couple hugs and handshakes, and happiness and thank you's. It's okay. Next weekend I drive out to LA for a wedding. I will have plenty of time to face my thoughts. More smiles and happiness for the wedding. It is tough to be human sometimes. I need to go back to being a machine. It was easier when I simply detached and disassociated. I can pull that again. I am alone all the time, and I just need a moment alone. That doesn't make sense. Oh well. Cheers to Monday 6:29 p.m. - 2015-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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