silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nice sweaters It has been an emotionally confusing few weeks. I dare not venture into too many details. To say the least, I have been feeling better about CA, but it could simply be my hopes and wishes fueling my perceptions. I know that it has been a war in my head and in person, but I know that I do want something more with him, but I also know that it is not likely to happen. I am quite helpless in the matter. I don't know what else I could possibly do, aside from speak my truth. Somebody said to me this last weekend, it shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't. Yet it is, so there is a problem there. It shouldn't be so hard, yet it is, so I should give up, because it shouldn't be this way. God, I just can't give up though. I can't. Nothing within me wants to. I would much rather remain in this limbo and emotional disarray than to let it go and ...deal with it. Or confront it. What the hell? I am a wimp. I was told so by a coworker. She knows the truth. Why is it that the men who think I am wonderful and valuable are the ones that are unavailable? The ones who put me on a pedestal and make me feel like I am worth it, they have their women already. I am going to stop wasting my time thinking about this though. Maybe there is a "master plan" out there for me. Or maybe not. Maybe I am the one to create this master plan. And I am failing miserably at it. At least my hair is growing out of the mega chop I did a few months back. I look decent again. And the office is steady busy. And maybe I can find my house soon. The little things. I just want to be okay. Cliche. But still..the sentiment stands. I am tired of the way things are. I want this part to be over with already. Good night. 11:05 p.m. - 2015-09-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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